.... chalte jaate hain hum ....

एक अनसुनी आवाज़
एक अनतिम आगाज़
एक फ़ैला हुआ आसमान
एक हारा हुआ इनसान।
अंधेरे में ढल रहा सूरज
अकेले में चल रहे हम
छुपते-छुपाते बचते-बचाते हम
चलते बस चलते जाते कदम।
युँ तो किसी से है गिला नहीं
शायद इतना गम तो अभी मिला नहीं
ज़ख्म खाते और मर्हम लगाते हैं
फिर भी चलते, हाँ चलते जाते हैं।

P.S. : Dear starry, I'll translate it for u pretty soon. Am posting this in a hurry for now. Sorry abt that ...

Life

है एक ज़िन्दगी जितना लम्हा
दुख के सहारे गर काटो इसे।
है एक लम्हे जितनी ज़िन्दगी
हँसी में गर डुबा दो इसे।
यह वक़्त का खेल है या ज़िन्दगी का
कोइ समझ न पाया है इसे।
खेल ही खेल में गुज़र जयेगा यह सफ़र
जुआ समझ कर गर खेलो इसे।
सही गलत के अलँक्रित तराज़ू में
उम्र भर बस नापते तोलते रहो इसे।
बाज़ी न तेरी हुइ न मेरी हुइ
जीत कर कोइ और ले गया इसे।


The meaning of the poem is here. It might not be the same. But I've tried to make the same sense out of it...

A moment may seem "life-long" if you spend it immersed in sadness. A life may seem "moment-long" if you laugh n spend it. You never know whether the game is set by time or by life. The journey would end just like a game, if you play it like you are playing "poker/bridge". (Well I am not sure whether it is poker or bridge - but I meant to say a cards game in which you play money - you win at times, you lose at others... )
In the adorned balance of right and wrong, all our age gets spent in measuring n balancing the worth of life.
Although you and me were playing the game, neither you won, nor me - someone else was proud of themselves to have won it ......

Hates me...

She hates me.
My thoughts, my behaviour, my ideas, my life, my ways, my dreams, my simplicity, my philosophy... EVERY SINGLE THING!
I have tried a 100 thousand times to get things working between us. Believe me, I have.
Well, not anything that's 1-sided works ever.
She has her own reasons. Her own way of thinking. I wonder why it could never seem to match. I wonder why would any one ever want to be so rigid?
Well, there's always room for grievances in between us. The wall doesn't just seem to budge. Nor does it seem to fall down. I can't see a way to make it vanish. Into thin air. As if it never was there.
She doesn't even want to accept and live with those differences between us. If you are with her, you have to think like her. Otherwise, no matter how right you are, she would get frustrated.
At times, simple solutions are the hardest to implement.
But well, for now, all I can do is to try to not to get her angry. I hate it when she does that. N that happens for more reasons than one. More often than occasional.
I wish she changes. I wish she would understand that 2 different people with 2 different bodies n mind can offer different view points on the same topic. I wish that hatred, long and hard, gets melted.
I wish she would understand that I love her.

This post doesn't concern me. Just an interpretation of such a thing in a relationship.

Nothing better to do

Here I am, sitting at 5:00 p.m. in the CS labs. with nothing better to do for now. Having an exam just round the corner, but I am not able to concentrate .. :-s
How I wish I had a couple of friends from India here with me. We would be having fun!!!
Even with the exam just round the corner... But well, all things aren't supposed to b the way I want them right?
Seemzz came to talk to me, "you look sad, What happened?" "Nothing."
True that she talks to me, but also true that I don't feel close to her, coz of her immaturity n coz we are so different that she could never understand my view points of things.
I ws completely dumbstruck the other day when she said to me, "You know what? I know tht if ur guy walks away from u, you will not be bothered n you will not give a bit of care to it!!!! "
I am like ..........!!!!!!?????????$$$$$$########&&&&&&&
May b I show a lot of strength that people take me so wrong ...... :-(
Man! I was so pissed when I heard that. How could she even thing that he would walk away???
Crazy girls... I know!! Westernized ......uffffff
Avi n Mobi gone for lunch :-(. Zara n Jas gone too ........ leaving me, a caretaker, n their stuff ...
I wouldn't wanna write more for now......

Mumbai revisited

उदासी भरी उन आँखों से पूछो
जो किसी का इन्तज़ार हैं करतीं
जब किसी कि पर्छाई देती है दिखायी
क्या मेह्सूस वो आँखें हैं करतीं।
वो जो आज सुबह गया था अपने काम पर
क्या जानता था न रात तक पहुँचेगा घर
वो जो सुरज के ढलने पर देखता है एक नये दिन का राह
क्या जानता था न होगी उसके लिये अब कभी सहर।

Note to a Diary

A diary! My diary!
That was about 4-5 years back I had become so obssessed with diary writing. I somehow came to remember that pretty n fat diary with a lovely picture of Lord Krishna drawn on the front cover. It can be called an irony as I was never a believer of God then. Makes me laugh at thinking how immature n childish i was then, writing all sorts of non-sense. Well some truths, but a lot of untruths which I believed then.
How much we change with time. How much we learn as we progress.
Probably I had become more mature as I quit writing diary. Well I donno whether it was a mature decision or not, but certainly good one in some ways. Mind doesn't remain poisoned with evil thoughts long after they are gone, having a diary makes you revisit those loathesome moments... most of them written under utter sadness n depression.
For a person like me who travels to the past whenever she gets time, probably it makes sense. But then, my blogs do that for me now. Take me back. Well, the blog that I had before this one has been somehow deleted or "suspended" (as they like to call it) by the website owners, which is making me so mad. I've lost my diary.... n those moments, n those thoughts that had taken form of words....
I agree it was a painful blog, a veryyyyy painful one, but it didn't deserve that punishment. Nor did I. I agree I hadn't been writing much on it these days, but still it didn't deserve to get deleted. And nor did I deserve to be lonely without a partner in loneliness.
Well I still have this one... But I hate losing my stuff...
I am not to b blamed for this loss ... :( But may b I am ... Why did I not save it at some place if it was this dear?
Well, perhaps it was to go as my life took an unexpected turn ... and perhaps leaving those memories was the wisest thing to do.....
But whatever.....
A friend called today after probably 6 months, may be more ... And well he compensated by taking for about 1/2 an hour. It was great ... :)
Life gets busier after college. They all keep telling me, "I haven't forgotten you, just that I've gotten busy...... " I donno why I cease to listen and understand at times ...
And life changes so much. Some of them are now having a girl friend, some of them broke up with their girl friends, some of them broke up with their friends .... It's perhaps life's little tricks to keep us hooked to it, perhaps life's varied games to keep us off a monotonous path....
Every Alice meets Bob for a reason, and that reason isn't known to them .... The game life plays is so tricky that Alice doesn't know Bob, and when she meets him, she doesn't know it's this Bob that's meant to be hers forever ....

Oh just realized, I moved from a few reminiscences to anger to thankfulness to philosophy....
N i can't somehow see how they all are related.......
That's life!!!!!!

Blasts blasted us off

Well it ws so so pathetic ... sorrowful ... Where is the world exactly heading? What is anyone gaining out of this?
Does their heart shudder even at the thought of doing all this? Probably they don't have hearts ...
No reason is obviously big enough to do such a heinous act ...
What a sight it would be ... I can't even imagine .. blood everywhere ... people in pain ... worried....
ooooooh it is just too much to even think about ...


The world is not a safe place to live ... Where do we live safely then?
I cannot even think that if I go out of my house today I might not return ... Pal pal ki hai khabar nahi, hum zindagi ki baat kiya karte hain .....
Could their families ever think about it??

The main headline in Canada's leading newspapers is those Mumbai blasts. Some Canadian elderly people I met today were all so concerned n worried about the people out there ... About my people ... "It is reallly bad ... It was terrible ............. "
My Pakistani friends concerned n worried... It is just those people who aren't worried? Aren't even guilty? This is so so damn ridiculous ....

I just hope that people are able to bear the loss .... nothing else........... God grant them peace n strength ....

Oprah said this .......

Oprah has to say this about men.....


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with her, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. You should not be the one doing all the ending...compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.


What do u think about it?? I would really like to know ... I felt like contradiciting at some places.... .

Free...

I m free today after quite some days... Done with my assignment ... successfully submitted it... :)
M free... n i hav no one on either Ym or Msn to talk to.... People are never online when I have time........................
Waise after passing out, all my friends seemed hav kind of forgotten me... I donno whether it's the same for each of them with each of them... but in my case ... well yes... they've forgotten me....
The 1 craving I have is the one that is probably the most neglected ....
Nobody's gonna bother about this one girl who's only n only made friends in her life... Friends who forget her when she leaves them. Friends who forget her when she has to move on. Friends, without whom she cannot live... Friends whom she values after her family.... Friends whom she needs a lot of time n friends who aren't there to help her when she needs them.... Friends who don't even care to reply to an email saying "hi!!! " .... Yeah friends....
M missing a lot of friends right now... a lot of the close ones... Some 've gotten busy... some 've forgotten.... Out of the 77 contacts that I have on Ym, the people whom I talk to often are abt 15 ... people whom i wish they would come online are abt 15, people who don't msg me when they see me online abt 20, people who go offline on seeing me online 10, people whom I've never talked to bt are on my msnger are about 5....
something' went wrong with my calculation... bt no worries....
I m gonna die unnoticed. And ofcourse forgotten.... The only thing probably that's gonna happen is that the earth wouldn't hav to lift my weight any more....
But I don't hav the right to complain i guess. It has to go unheard ....

I am weird too

I was tagged by Adi to write 6 weird things about me a few days back. My apologies for delaying this post.
I am not sure whether they really as weird as i think they are .... But here they are....

1) I live in the past rather than present ....
2) I am perhaps the world's moodiest person. A second and I am seeing laughing and the next second, I can cry as if something terrible happened to me in the passing by of 1 second. Same thing with songs. I m not a good singer but when it comes to a mood-switch, my songs get awefully awry ...
3) I am a very free minded soul, so free that I would like to live without bounds always ... weird that knowing its impossibility doesn't hamper me from thinking that ways ...
4) I am so so so annoying at times, when it comes to waiting, punctuality and work (probably it is normal - i think it is normal but ... people say that I act weird coz I don't tolerate that .... this was something that a friend told me .... )
5) I have a habit of talking to myself and laughing all alone ... ( Not a lot of people know that ... )
6) I question a lot of things ... I think a lot about somethings even when I know I can't help it...

Nobody I know is left to b tagged ......

Today was....

exam ho gaya...
aur itna bura bhi nahi hua jitna socha tha ...... i hope i get abt 75-80% .........
hmm what else? aaj ka din ...
nothing much ... tired after studies... met rahim after almost a week today... there are so many times i thank God .. for making this guy my friend .... mera ek din mein khoon badhata hai ....
yeah true i still don't hav someone who would let me cry on his /her shoulders but atleast i hav someone who makes me laugh ...
he's laughing most of the times... but when he talks seriously, i can see him worried about those things every person of his age would worry abt them... he makes so much more sense when he's serious ... but neways...
well it ws the talk with him that i had today that put me into thoughts ... but neways ... i wouldn't wanna go into that for now.....
somethings should be thought when it is time for them, but it is so hard to guess the right time.... thoughts invade us when we are defenseless...
I know i've been tagged Adi, n i hope to write the post in a day or 2 ... wondering that u already know that i m as mad as i can be ... n still i have to write something weird about me ... :D
That's that ...
oh yes! talked to my sweetheart shru yesterday ... it ws great ... n thanks for staying with me for 2 hours... luv u always... my heart feels the lightest when i talk to u .... i wish so many times u were here ... right next to me... but ... i wish a lot ...
i m a bad bad girl... asking God for everything in this one life...
a gentleman lost his little 1 month old angel... he was so happy holding the little princess in his hands a month ago.... i have no words to express how i felt on hearing that ... i just hope that him n her are able to bear the loss of the child... it was such an anguishing news
Why is God so unkind at times? I know he's seen so much in life... n i've always tried to give hope to him. What do i tell him now? What's hope for him now? What do I even reply to him now?
A friend's broken up with her guy. She's so hell sad about it. She wasn't to be blamed for all this. She's loved him more than he ever did all these years. What's hope for her? What do i tell her? I try to convince her, knowing how false n lame my arguments are. How does a broken heart think about anything else? but as a matter of fact u have to ... i m trying... she's trying too ........
there's this sweetheart of mine .... she's been buried by the pain of her love... oh God ... dil diya hi kyon hota hai agar todna hota hai ... jodta kyun hai agar todna hota hai....
m just feeling bad about the helplessness of God. If he can't do anything about any of them, what can I do? What would God be doing up there? Picking the guy's little daughter up? Is that what God would be doing ? Or waiting for her? Or watching someone pick up the child? And enjoying it? Or feeling helpless about it? Or worrying about how her parents would manage? Or do something for them now? Or still hope for them to keep faith in him?? Or.....
I am at a loss of words now... n i m broken hearted myself... I love all these people a lot... n i hate to see them unhappy ... n i donno why God doesn't like to see them happy ...
I wouldn't like to unbelieve the faith that I have in you. Coz there are times when u don't do anything, but there are times when only u can do something about something n u do it....

2 hours to go!

2 more hours to go! i have an exam... :S
i m tired... i don't wanna study now.... n feeling sleepy now....totally tired n exhausted... my eyes paining...... :(.. i regain my energy after mid night... :P
my mom says i m an owl....
i'd be done by the time any one reads my piece asking for wishes ... but i know what u'r gonna say...
she hasn't studied... she was busy blogging ... it's all her fault...
i hate being blamed n i hate leaving things for myself to be blamed...
neways....
i'd better get back to some serious business before i run into trouble...
cheers!

Aansoo

I read the following post written by Gaurav....... And on its lines i continued....


कभी दुख में कभी खुशी में आते हैं आँसू,
ना जाने किस की याद दिलते हैं आँसू,
मैं अभी तो पलकें सुका कर आयी थी,
न जाने फिर क्युँ आ जाते हैं आँसू ।

कभी भीड में कभी तन्हाई में आते हैं आँसू,
कभी खामोशी से कभी सिसकियों के साथ आते हैं आँसू,
करती हूँ कोशिश इन्हे समझाने - बुझाने की,
न जाने क्युँ सुनना नहीं चहते हैं यह आँसू ।

कभी वजह से कभी बेवजह आते हैं आँसू,
कभी हंसाते कभी रुलाते हैं बहुत सताते हैं आँसू,
कभी सवाल तो कभी जवाब बन कर तो कभी
यादोँ की तरह सिमट जाते हैं आँसू ।

Why???

I am feeling so so so low.... why is nothing right? how many tests are we supposed to pass?? God, this just isn't fare... I saw that despite everything his faith on You was as stable as a wall.... Isn't that too much of a testing God? Isn't he sacrificing for all of us? Is that less proof for you?
I hate the look of anxiety on his face. He tries to keep calm. always. But you can always know. There's still that faint ray of hope. Although it still seems to have vanished, but there's always that, "dekhte hain.... shayad ........"
I donno what to say... God, just that, please don't test him this much.... Please show him light...
There's so much I want to say today...
So much ... I can't contain it ...
Shru, have been missing ur comforting arms a lottttttt.... I have been wanting a hug from u ... As a matter of fact, I hav lost count of the number of days I've wanted a hug, n had to go on without actually getting one?
Life reallly sucks... i wanna shout for all those who want to listen - life sucks, life sucks n life sucks