My world...dreams and questions....

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Adieus

As I hover through his orkut profile for the umpteenth time, as I am so well aware of his "ideal match", I wonder why does his relationship status change from "committed" to "single" every time I check his profile. And now, it shows "single". And he isn't lying this time. It's funny how you have to choose between the two most important people in your life. And it's funnier how you continue to live after making that choice, knowing well enough that making the other choice was going to be equally dismal. Whether you are actually living or just breathing is an entirely different story. Whether you will actually live or breathe throughout this long journey of life is a third story.
With every sneeze comes a thought that he might be remembering me. With every tomato I see, I remember his twisted face. With every song I hear I remember our love. With every blank stare I give I remember the look and shine my eyes had. With every cell phone ring I remember my prayer of that being his call. With every coming evening I remember the short poem he had sent me once saying "... knowing no matter what I'll be able to come home to your loving arms...". With every day drilling down into a long night come a thousand moments and conversations all as alive as the other, each more moving and more haunting than the other. With the passage of every haunting second comes a burning desire to talk to him once and ask him to console me once. With that desire comes a thought that he is no longer mine and he doesn't have to be there for me. "He is no longer mine" keeps ticking in my head till the night passes away or my eyes are too tired of crying and can't lay awake any longer. Have I been there for him ever? He must be needing a friend desperately to hold him, make him understand that whatever happens happens for the best, make him alive once again, make him believe in his beloved and trusted friend one more time, make him come out of the trance of our togetherness.
I can never forget the time that I spent with him. It wasn't normal. It was ecstatic. It was life. It was love. It was magic. It was everything I had wanted my life to be. I love him for what he is. He's just him. I can't thank him enough for loving me the way he has and making me feel so special. But everything has drowned. Except these beautiful memories and times we shared together. I don't know if it would be enough to hold on to them and live an entire life. But I do know that I won't be able to live if I choose to forget him. And of course, I have his three dolphins with me. I hope he remembers that.
Questions to God, questions about him flood my mind. Will he ever meet me? Will he ever talk to me? Will he be a friend? Will I wait for him up there? Yes life sucks, and so badly that you wish you were dead rather than facing all this. No one would have any regrets ...
I hope he moves on. Life definitely must be having better surprises in store for him. This one sucked. God grant him everything else he needs. I prayed for you, love. I wish I would have known that your friend doesn't listen to me at all - even when I prayed for others. I have been debating for quite a while now. But now, I know for sure. I'll still pray for you. Please take care of yourself. And please live. Know that there's no one else I can love now, and that I will love you forever. I know knowing that doesn't help at all, but I just thought I should tell you that. Do I owe you a sorry? I think no. You know the reasons yourself. I wish we had been more together while this parting time. But I guess I have to understand what it means to you, and probably it means more to you than it does to me.
And this will also be my last post on this blog. No more fragrant echoes remain in my life now, thus the purpose of this blog gets defeated. Will I write? Yes I will. Where else can I pour my love? To Adi, Peenuts, Shadows, and other bloggers, thanks for being there. I hope we keep in touch without updates on this blog. God grant you all you want.

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11 Comments:

  • Shit...!!!! It did happen....man i had been hoping u wont hav 2 go through that.......i dont know wht circumstances made that happen but i will also pray for u and for him, and yes i wl b in touch...through mails, blogs and which ever medium u feel comfortable with. Take care

    By Blogger Peenuts, at 9/10/2007 1:05 AM  

  • i dnt knw wat can i do.....
    but surely i'lll request u to cntinue for writing ur blog......n stay in touch wid ur frenz...
    atleast i can c ur face in ur words......
    i pray that you get many reasons to cntinue this blog and may ur life be filled with fragrance always.....
    and not only my dolphins i remember all......all those moments.....and cant ever dare to forget them....
    dnt knw abt destiny, watever it wud be, watever will happen in life,,, watever i be,, watever m left...... m urs forever.....

    By Blogger Parm, at 9/12/2007 7:57 AM  

  • first visit...has became the last one.....hope things work out for ya..good luck with life....as u know life is tough......

    By Blogger KP, at 10/15/2007 10:27 AM  

  • please write smthing you are a good writer

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10/24/2007 11:25 AM  

  • you know its the inevitable that this hould happen...anyway pheebes...i guess the doppleganger effect works too well for us...i dont want you to stop and i came back writing today just cause u asked me too....
    oh sweety u know what lame as it may sound cause its a hindi film dialogue...one may take his/her love out of your life...there is one thing he can never take away....memories...they will always remain with you...
    there is someone who inspite of his single status says he wil be urs forever... that his love will remain....and then there are those who have frozen decembers in there hearts......etched ever so carefully like a ice sculpture are the memories...the memories of one who was never urs...not even metaphorically...who doesnt even remember the drenched 24th morning of december 2002...who is probably snuggled up in anothers arms...may u not stop writing ....for a simple fact that i feel ur lucky...someone loves u...just as he did before...probably more now...he wishes ur happy while u wish he is....both of u are pushing each other to move on...knowing that it would be the last ct of love you can shower on each other....u can call urselves "us" and not "me" and "him"...the 'you' is the plural....maybe i can wish for the rest of my life that tomatoes remind u of him as a fond memory of one who loves you....and songs still sing about ur loves...

    By Blogger shadows, at 12/23/2007 11:05 AM  

  • love ya sweety....please do write...

    By Blogger shadows, at 12/23/2007 11:07 AM  

  • pls mail

    By Blogger adi, at 3/26/2008 4:00 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by the author.

    By Blogger neha & manish, at 4/13/2008 3:51 AM  

  • hi,
    how r u???

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6/07/2008 6:17 AM  

  • lol does it matter?

    By Blogger meet_me, at 6/11/2008 12:51 AM  

  • pheebes,
    yeah it does.....
    feeling very blue right now... turn my world red or yellow someone...

    By Blogger shadows, at 6/11/2008 4:55 AM  

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