My world...dreams and questions....

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


As I hover through his orkut profile for the umpteenth time, as I am so well aware of his "ideal match", I wonder why does his relationship status change from "committed" to "single" every time I check his profile. And now, it shows "single". And he isn't lying this time. It's funny how you have to choose between the two most important people in your life. And it's funnier how you continue to live after making that choice, knowing well enough that making the other choice was going to be equally dismal. Whether you are actually living or just breathing is an entirely different story. Whether you will actually live or breathe throughout this long journey of life is a third story.
With every sneeze comes a thought that he might be remembering me. With every tomato I see, I remember his twisted face. With every song I hear I remember our love. With every blank stare I give I remember the look and shine my eyes had. With every cell phone ring I remember my prayer of that being his call. With every coming evening I remember the short poem he had sent me once saying "... knowing no matter what I'll be able to come home to your loving arms...". With every day drilling down into a long night come a thousand moments and conversations all as alive as the other, each more moving and more haunting than the other. With the passage of every haunting second comes a burning desire to talk to him once and ask him to console me once. With that desire comes a thought that he is no longer mine and he doesn't have to be there for me. "He is no longer mine" keeps ticking in my head till the night passes away or my eyes are too tired of crying and can't lay awake any longer. Have I been there for him ever? He must be needing a friend desperately to hold him, make him understand that whatever happens happens for the best, make him alive once again, make him believe in his beloved and trusted friend one more time, make him come out of the trance of our togetherness.
I can never forget the time that I spent with him. It wasn't normal. It was ecstatic. It was life. It was love. It was magic. It was everything I had wanted my life to be. I love him for what he is. He's just him. I can't thank him enough for loving me the way he has and making me feel so special. But everything has drowned. Except these beautiful memories and times we shared together. I don't know if it would be enough to hold on to them and live an entire life. But I do know that I won't be able to live if I choose to forget him. And of course, I have his three dolphins with me. I hope he remembers that.
Questions to God, questions about him flood my mind. Will he ever meet me? Will he ever talk to me? Will he be a friend? Will I wait for him up there? Yes life sucks, and so badly that you wish you were dead rather than facing all this. No one would have any regrets ...
I hope he moves on. Life definitely must be having better surprises in store for him. This one sucked. God grant him everything else he needs. I prayed for you, love. I wish I would have known that your friend doesn't listen to me at all - even when I prayed for others. I have been debating for quite a while now. But now, I know for sure. I'll still pray for you. Please take care of yourself. And please live. Know that there's no one else I can love now, and that I will love you forever. I know knowing that doesn't help at all, but I just thought I should tell you that. Do I owe you a sorry? I think no. You know the reasons yourself. I wish we had been more together while this parting time. But I guess I have to understand what it means to you, and probably it means more to you than it does to me.
And this will also be my last post on this blog. No more fragrant echoes remain in my life now, thus the purpose of this blog gets defeated. Will I write? Yes I will. Where else can I pour my love? To Adi, Peenuts, Shadows, and other bloggers, thanks for being there. I hope we keep in touch without updates on this blog. God grant you all you want.

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