Adieus

As I hover through his orkut profile for the umpteenth time, as I am so well aware of his "ideal match", I wonder why does his relationship status change from "committed" to "single" every time I check his profile. And now, it shows "single". And he isn't lying this time. It's funny how you have to choose between the two most important people in your life. And it's funnier how you continue to live after making that choice, knowing well enough that making the other choice was going to be equally dismal. Whether you are actually living or just breathing is an entirely different story. Whether you will actually live or breathe throughout this long journey of life is a third story.
With every sneeze comes a thought that he might be remembering me. With every tomato I see, I remember his twisted face. With every song I hear I remember our love. With every blank stare I give I remember the look and shine my eyes had. With every cell phone ring I remember my prayer of that being his call. With every coming evening I remember the short poem he had sent me once saying "... knowing no matter what I'll be able to come home to your loving arms...". With every day drilling down into a long night come a thousand moments and conversations all as alive as the other, each more moving and more haunting than the other. With the passage of every haunting second comes a burning desire to talk to him once and ask him to console me once. With that desire comes a thought that he is no longer mine and he doesn't have to be there for me. "He is no longer mine" keeps ticking in my head till the night passes away or my eyes are too tired of crying and can't lay awake any longer. Have I been there for him ever? He must be needing a friend desperately to hold him, make him understand that whatever happens happens for the best, make him alive once again, make him believe in his beloved and trusted friend one more time, make him come out of the trance of our togetherness.
I can never forget the time that I spent with him. It wasn't normal. It was ecstatic. It was life. It was love. It was magic. It was everything I had wanted my life to be. I love him for what he is. He's just him. I can't thank him enough for loving me the way he has and making me feel so special. But everything has drowned. Except these beautiful memories and times we shared together. I don't know if it would be enough to hold on to them and live an entire life. But I do know that I won't be able to live if I choose to forget him. And of course, I have his three dolphins with me. I hope he remembers that.
Questions to God, questions about him flood my mind. Will he ever meet me? Will he ever talk to me? Will he be a friend? Will I wait for him up there? Yes life sucks, and so badly that you wish you were dead rather than facing all this. No one would have any regrets ...
I hope he moves on. Life definitely must be having better surprises in store for him. This one sucked. God grant him everything else he needs. I prayed for you, love. I wish I would have known that your friend doesn't listen to me at all - even when I prayed for others. I have been debating for quite a while now. But now, I know for sure. I'll still pray for you. Please take care of yourself. And please live. Know that there's no one else I can love now, and that I will love you forever. I know knowing that doesn't help at all, but I just thought I should tell you that. Do I owe you a sorry? I think no. You know the reasons yourself. I wish we had been more together while this parting time. But I guess I have to understand what it means to you, and probably it means more to you than it does to me.
And this will also be my last post on this blog. No more fragrant echoes remain in my life now, thus the purpose of this blog gets defeated. Will I write? Yes I will. Where else can I pour my love? To Adi, Peenuts, Shadows, and other bloggers, thanks for being there. I hope we keep in touch without updates on this blog. God grant you all you want.

Lost ...

It's dark out here, and lonely too
The candle seems to have blown out
Or is it on the verge of blowing out...
I am afraid, so afraid all alone
The crowd is invisible and
the noises all drown
I feel sarcasm in laughters
Of people around
Oh poor, so poor me
Do they think the same?
I share peoples' joys and sorrows
And my heart continues to bleed
For it knew no other to love
For his joy was always my greed.
My pillow will not dry up
Till the dawn of the day
It has learnt to feign so well
It is morning now, so it can tell.
Wipe away those tears
For another bright day ahead
I think for a thousand times
Oh God, can I please be dead?

Tooti kashti ...

Woh manzil hi kya

jis manzil pe sath tu nahi

Woh raasta hi kya

jis raaste pe tere nishaan nahi

Woh neend hi kya

jis neend mein tera khwaab nahi

Woh zindagi hi kya

jis zindagi ka maksad tu nahi

Ek tooti kashti ki tarah ho gayee hun

Toofan se ladti toh ja rahi hoon

Kinare tak tab bhi na pahunch paoongi main

Ek toote sheeshe ki tarah

Har aansoo mein dikhte hain mujhe

Hazar pehlu har baat ke

Hazar sapne pyaar se bune hue

Aur Hazar aur aansoo...

Functions...

Hell can't be worse for sure. And dying once can't be different than dying every single day.
The eyes are tired of crying and waiting. They see everything blurred now and they don't seem to need sleep now. They are accustomed to not sleeping now. They like the dark. Well no, they don't like the dark. Nobody likes dark. They just aren't scared enough to close themselves in the dark. The lips only know what a fake smile is. The words have dried up as though the sun's been really harsh on the oasis.
The stomach's getting used to the bare requirement of 1 meal a day. And numerous coffees. The feeling of giddiness lingers on, till I guess it would also be a part of the regular day to day activities. The tongue is getting used to lying. The heart is getting used to the pain. The brain is still functioning the same way - it still thinks. What it thinks now is certainly different from what it used to. It is learning how and what things matter. It is seeing the difference between the truth that is spoken and the truth that prevails.

Har pal...

suraj ki pehli kiran ke saath
tum aate ho subah ka pehla ehsaas ban kar
aur har pal k beetne ke saath
tum rehte ho ik meethi yaad ban kar
shaam mein suraj ke jaane ke baad
tum aa jaate ho raahon ka chirag ban kar
main jab ho jaaon thodi si udaas
tum aate ho mere hotho ki muskaan ban kar
din bhar ki bhaag daud ke baad
tum bas jaate ho mere zehan mein khwaab ban kar

Randomly saying....

I was cleaning my e-mail accounts today because they had been over whelmed, and I noticed how much my interaction with him has decreased. It was about a year back when the e-mails we wrote to each other were as much as 10k. And now? Well we hardly have time for each other. We hardly care to know what's going on with the other. The assumption that all's-well-if-not-i'll-get-a-call kind of thing has crept in. Phone calls? Forget them... As for me, all I do is wait and for him, well time's something people of the first world countries are blamed of not having, but it's him who doesn't have it. When I complain, it's a fight ahead because I am not understanding. Ofcourse given that it's me on this side, I no longer complain - to him, that is. I ain't complaining here. Just felt the difference of how relations become stagnant and taken-for-granted with the passage of time, a little over a year in our case.

A friend

I guess I've lost mine....

Disappointment

What do you do when someone tells you that's he's very disappointed with you because of a decision you took? What do you do when life's at a place where someone has to sacrifice because of you? What do you do when relations are built forcefully rather than happily? What do you do when you know that some decisions are going to have an adverse affect on everything forever? What do you do when someone needs you but you aren't there for them even when you want to be?

Can you please replace the "you" with "me" up there? Can you care to answer me?

Can I go to hell?

I am Pegasus.... ;)

You Are a Pegasus

You are a perfectionist, with an eye for beauty. You know how to live a good life - and you rarely deviate from your good taste. While you aren't outgoing, you have excellent social skills. People both admire you - and feel very comfortable around you.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

My Graduation Day

11th June 2007 - the day I will remember as my graduation...


aaj aankh mein kajal lagate hue
ek aansoo ka katra paaya wahan
jahan honi chahiye thi khushi -
khushi ek manzil ko paane ki
khushi kuch ban ke dikhane ki
thi kami unki mere din mein
jinke khwab ko haqiqat kiya hai maine
jinke bharose ko nibhaya hai maine
jinke pyaar ko naap na paoongi kabhi
jinke sahare se sab paaya hai maine
meri prapti mein jisne garv mehsoos kiya
meri har khushi ko baanta hai unhone
aur meri har takleef ko door kiya
jab bhi apne seene se lagaya hai mujhe
sochti hoon, itna pyaar main kahi na paongi
kaise chali jaongi kisi aur ke ghar
ki door main apni jadon se hoke jee na paongi
ki toot jaongi door ho gayee agar...

My dad was not able to be a part of my Grad day. I missed him a lot...
And today again, it is Father's Day, and he isn't here... I so wish he'd be back soon. Dad, I love you. Happy Father's Day, and Thanks for being the world's bestest Dad.

The world of pretense

I pretend a smile when I don't feel like it
I pretend a tear when I can't do without it
I pretend calm when only that can help
I pretend a quite and no one can tell.

This world and its beings
Are unhappy in the happy
And happiness seems a lie.

This world and its beings
Are satisfied wih false praises
And I can't damn understand why.

This world and its beings
Are incapable of talking truth
'Cause truth is so dry.

Can you feel and can't you feel
Is it really there or really not there
Two questions and we get one answer.

Feelings and realities
Emotions and expressions
Two diferent things but we get one definition

This world of pretense
Will not change sometime soon
As it is the source of a lot of happiness...

Scattered Leaf

A leaf fell, scattered;
A leaf lost from it's roots
A leaf away from it's own
A leaf in a new world.

It will not survive long ....
It will not survive
The harsh tests of time,
And of life too.

Is it a verdict?
It is a truth lay hidden
underneath leaves and leaves
of pretense.

The face of Death

She knocks, (she disguises), she freezes.
She comes, (she sees), she conquers.
She stops, (she dominates), she leaves.


She comes, yes; and she conquers, yes. But does she see, disquise or dominate, I have no absolute clue. Does she have time enough to disguise, see or dominate?

From the knock to the vanishment, it could be a second to I don't know how long, it could be a tinge of pain to I don't know how much. It could mean eternity or it could mean suffering. It could be a blessing or a curse (I personally assume the worst curse God put on man was to grant him a life).

I wonder what it feels like to be walking away with someone from whom initially we are scared to "death". I wonder why we are so afraid to walk away with her when we know for sure that the life after now would certainly be less hellish than this one. I wonder why we moan for people who leave us? Is it for them that we moan or for us? Is it so necessary to moan if you heard about a death even when the person as a live person wasn't much to you?

Human nature and it's intricacies amaze me to the extent that I sometimes think is it normal to think; is it normal to be out of the norms. Is it inhumane to think far above and beyond?

I know it's something not anyone/everyone would want to read. I am sorry for putting it up here, but I am desperately intrigued thinking that I am inhumane and perhaps, to an extent, unfeeling.

Bus ek baar

Woh pal pal ko mehkati khushiyan
Woh waqt bewaqt aati siskiyan
Bus ek baar aur jeena chahti hoon unhe

Woh saari ki saari galatiyan
Woh athkheliyan aur nadaniyan
Bus ek baar aur karna chahti hoon unhe

Woh doston ke baahon ke sahare
Woh yaadein jo baaki hain paas hamare
Bus ek baar aur yaad kar lena chahti hoon unhe

Woh roothne-manaane ka khel
Woh pyaar se bhara dilon ka mel
Bus ek baar aur dekhna chahti hoon unhe

Woh paas hai

khilte phool ko dekhkar laga
uska komal ehsaas hai saath mere
suraj ki madham hoti roshni ne bola
uski pyaar ki lau hai saath tere
shaam ne odhi laalima si chadar
uske pyaar ke rang ho liye saath mere
taaron se milti raat ne kaha
uske jazbaat hai saath tere
hawaa ne gungunata hua geet gaya
woh nahi, uska dil hai paas tere
itni dooriyan ho kar bhi
woh paas hai, hai saath mere
itrati hoon main is baat pe haan,
woh paas hai, hai saath mere ....


I am missing him desperately....

My 100th Post

This is my 100th post on Blogger. Umm, I lost my previous blog entirely.

What in days I have that I'd like to remember
And what in life do I have to forget forever?
For moving on is a part of life
And one who lives not this part of life
Is one who strives to live others, but can't.

What, in circumstances do I have to face
And what in pleasures do I have to trace?
For one life is a little too much
And awkwardly too less to embrace
Him, His character and His grace.

Neend ya khwaab ?

For the past some days, my MSN and GTalk carry a message "dekhte hain pehle kaun aata hai - neend ya khwaab"

Khwaab is more real than the most realistic dream i've dreamt of... And neend ofcourse is self-explanatory.

At this time of the day (umm, night, i'd rather say it to be), when I am exhausted after a hectic day at work and travel, I do sincerely wait for whoever comes first to me - my dream or my sleep. It's so happening that sleep's faster to come almost every single day ... and the coming of dream before sleep actually takes me by surprise, rare as it may be, but whenever that happens.

Does sleep care more for me so as to approach me and caress me tenderly? I dare not think that, because it is but the dream that I wait for. Dream's disappointing.

It's 2:06 a.m. EST, Saturday 12th May, 2007. Sleep's been enticing me for the past one hour and a half. But the hope of being with the dream before I go to sleep has, like most other days, been shattered.

Dream doesn't care I guess. Dream's going to be there even when sleep is there (even though that would be an unconscious and unaware-of presence) ; so perhaps it doesn't care as much as I would love it to.

2:11 a.m. Good Night World!

Off and on

Thanks to all the people who've been enquiring about me ... :)
Nothing serious I assure you - it's just that my mind wanders farther than it should. Just that my heart doesn't want to believe the things my mind "confirms" ....
This post is just to make you acquainted with whatever's going on in my life on a very exterior level. My studies at University are done; I am expecting my grades in about a week from now and I am expecting to graduate in June, meaning I'll be (hopefully) having my convocation in June. Before I was done with school, I had a job offer in my hands, so I have been working full time for a month now. My position was a contract position initially, which was expected to end in October. But things had been going really well, so I had been offered a full time position at the place in my 3rd week of work.
And it wasn't unevitable of people to ask, "tumhare paas paisa hai, pyaar hai, degree hai, naukri hai - What else do you need to be happy?" Human wants and desires keep on exceeding depending on how much more they are getting. God knows that there's just one thing that I've asked from Him since I don't know how long. But as some of my posts imprudently blurt out, He's unlistening these days.
Leaving that aside, my journey to my workplace and back takes about 3 hours in all and that possibly means three hours of my life daily Monday to Friday are wasted in nothing but watching people monotonously and smelling various scents in the more-than-needed warm buses. But I've decided to utilize that time slot by doing some reading, which as a habit had been long forgotten during the course of my higher education. I've finished reading "Londonstani" by Gautam Malkani and "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho. Now I've gotten back to the classic by Jane Austen, "Pride and Prejudice". Oh! and I must speak highly of the way she writes.
I've watched some movies recently. Ta Ra Rum Pum left me in a terrible mood, because it dawned upon me that not everyone is destined to win in this destitute life, and that not every father can win a car race when it is the one thing he'd most desperately be wanting for whatever reasons. Every father tries, but there's really something with God. He chooses some "Champ's" father to win and some "Non-Champ's" father to lose or keep on fighting for Non-Champ for the rest of his life.

And I guess, that's it... Wishing you all survived this storm of feelings and realities.... Cheers all!!!!

A happier family

His eyes are empty; they are fed up of trying to say something and of seeing others being unwary of him wanting to say something. Her eyes speak of a dilemma and of some unavoidable doom. Their daughter's eyes are one of those know-it-all-but-helpless pairs. She has to get married after all. She has to go to "her own home" one day. Her mum wasn't like other mums. Her mum was happy when she was born; her mum let her have well, quite an independent life. But it turned out that a girl's mother is still a girl's mother.
A daughter is not a son after all. A daughter would leave them struggling with their lives; a son wouldn't have. A daughter would make some other home her home worrying about their problems rather than her own home's problems; a son wouldn't. A daughter would pay off for what she has learnt from her parents in an entirely different world; a son wouldn't. A daughter would go to the land of her dreams someday and kind of forget that her parents are in the land of scorching bright sun and sun burns that would probably take forever to heal; a son wouldn't.
And then, there is something with her parent's best friend. He is an egoist at heart, a scoundrel in guise. He's pretty well off to ask for any help from them; but also he ain't there when they needs help. And their faith in him is strong. Why can't they see there's no one else responsible for their lives and it's voluptuous turns? Why can't they see its him and his evil mastermind planning to rip them off once again? The girl is certainly going to murder him some day if he already ain't killed by someone else for his mischievous and exasperating deeds.
She's waiting. And wishing. They'd all have been happier with her being a guy. The killing would be easier too. She had had friends who'd killed their version of such a best friend. And there are secrets you or I don't know and we can safely presume, can never know. Secrets that would probably go with her.

Conversation

"Why the heck did you choose to go?"
"There was no reason to stay".
"Tell me one good reason you want to go".
"Tell me one good reason I would want to stay".
"I love you".

Passing thought!

Life is but my old friend
We break-up, we start afresh.
I get to learn a lot from it
Does it, by a chance, have a benefit
Of walking with me, or
Learning from me ?

Would it be alone some day I left?

I write

I write
Of a million memories tied into one
Of a milliom moments clubbed to forever
Of a million destinies and hopes,
Of a million dreams taking shape
Like a seedling into a plant
Like a thought into a creation.
Of the faraway love, weaving
Stranger bonds each passing day.
Of the blissful tears ready
To be out on their way.
Of a phone call seemingly
A million eons away.

I write of love, of strength
Of God and His power
Of faith, trust and life
Of every passing day and night
But don't I forget we humans
Grow and learn, hit and miss,
Fulfill and regret.

I forget to write
Of sorrows, misery and weakness
Of bad, the worse and worst,
Of a broken heart knowing no good,
Of a beggar child going without food
Of depression and blue
Of fate and fatal shades of hue.

Search

Forever she stood,
Searching for truth
Searching for eternity.
She searched life -
Merriment and strife;
She searched water and earth
And yes, the heaven above;
She searched her room
She searched the world
And one day, she found love.

All out!!!!!

Umm, it was a bad day with cricket yesterday. India LOST!!! I had a feeling Sehwag and Dravid would steal the show. And I must say, poor Dravid... He didn't even hold his bat high after he had made 50 runs, and was so ashamed after the match ended .... N now the only chance of an entry into super 8's is the victory of Bermuda over Bangladesh... Strange isn't it that our forwarding depends on defeat of Bangladesh... :D ... n which has a 1 in 1000 chances ....
And not to mention that India made a world record playing against Bermuda, and B'desh defeated India......
I hope the cricket crazy Indian friends don't do something ridiculous as they started to do when India lost against B'desh ....
Well, now I guess it's time to wish luck to Bermuda :D
Go Bermuda Go!!!
With all luck n wishes for India and Bermuda ;)

Whatsup?

Here I come, with a very brief update of what's going on with and near me these days. 2 years since my entry into Canada, and I still would rightly say, I am still learning my ways around here. I've seen enough life to say that life certainly is more powerful than God. Not that I ever did under estimate the power of life, but I think I had certainly over estimated the power of God. I am in the midst of faith and no-faith on God. I don't want to shadow this one supreme being from my life.
I had been busy over the weekend with an assignment due on Monday. I slept for only two hours on Sunday night, and Monday I was barely awake. And distraught. This post was due yesterday, but the computer I was writing on hung twice, as I was typing this. So I couldn't really finish what I had to say. It was a tiring day. Sh took me to his house and then dropped me home. I wonder how pretentious I am at times. But I was genuine yesterday. I had that mask of positivity kind of unveiled (without wanting it ofcourse), and I guess probably anyone would understand that as a human, a perfect life is a dream - a dream not ever meant to come true.
My man's quite busy these days. It's good in a way. But then.... Oh well, I guess some things can wait. And some people can wait as well. And not to forget, we have a habit of complaining.
It's an unsatisfactory life. It's missing so much more than it's fulfilling. It's the difference between wanting and getting. It's the difference between living life, and living. It's the magnanimity of humans that we still live this "gift" of God called life.