My world...dreams and questions....

Adieus

2007-09-05T23:06:00.000-04:00

As I hover through his orkut profile for the umpteenth time, as I am so well aware of his "ideal match", I wonder why does his relationship status change from "committed" to "single" every time I check his profile. And now, it shows "single". And he isn't lying this time. It's funny how you have to choose between the two most important people in your life. And it's funnier how you continue to live after making that choice, knowing well enough that making the other choice was going to be equally dismal. Whether you are actually living or just breathing is an entirely different story. Whether you will actually live or breathe throughout this long journey of life is a third story.
With every sneeze comes a thought that he might be remembering me. With every tomato I see, I remember his twisted face. With every song I hear I remember our love. With every blank stare I give I remember the look and shine my eyes had. With every cell phone ring I remember my prayer of that being his call. With every coming evening I remember the short poem he had sent me once saying "... knowing no matter what I'll be able to come home to your loving arms...". With every day drilling down into a long night come a thousand moments and conversations all as alive as the other, each more moving and more haunting than the other. With the passage of every haunting second comes a burning desire to talk to him once and ask him to console me once. With that desire comes a thought that he is no longer mine and he doesn't have to be there for me. "He is no longer mine" keeps ticking in my head till the night passes away or my eyes are too tired of crying and can't lay awake any longer. Have I been there for him ever? He must be needing a friend desperately to hold him, make him understand that whatever happens happens for the best, make him alive once again, make him believe in his beloved and trusted friend one more time, make him come out of the trance of our togetherness.
I can never forget the time that I spent with him. It wasn't normal. It was ecstatic. It was life. It was love. It was magic. It was everything I had wanted my life to be. I love him for what he is. He's just him. I can't thank him enough for loving me the way he has and making me feel so special. But everything has drowned. Except these beautiful memories and times we shared together. I don't know if it would be enough to hold on to them and live an entire life. But I do know that I won't be able to live if I choose to forget him. And of course, I have his three dolphins with me. I hope he remembers that.
Questions to God, questions about him flood my mind. Will he ever meet me? Will he ever talk to me? Will he be a friend? Will I wait for him up there? Yes life sucks, and so badly that you wish you were dead rather than facing all this. No one would have any regrets ...
I hope he moves on. Life definitely must be having better surprises in store for him. This one sucked. God grant him everything else he needs. I prayed for you, love. I wish I would have known that your friend doesn't listen to me at all - even when I prayed for others. I have been debating for quite a while now. But now, I know for sure. I'll still pray for you. Please take care of yourself. And please live. Know that there's no one else I can love now, and that I will love you forever. I know knowing that doesn't help at all, but I just thought I should tell you that. Do I owe you a sorry? I think no. You know the reasons yourself. I wish we had been more together while this parting time. But I guess I have to understand what it means to you, and probably it means more to you than it does to me.
And this will also be my last post on this blog. No more fragrant echoes remain in my life now, thus the purpose of this blog gets defeated. Will I write? Yes I will. Where else can I pour my love? To Adi, Peenuts, Shadows, and other bloggers, thanks for being there. I hope we keep in touch without updates on this blog. God grant you all you want.

Lost ...

2007-08-24T00:03:00.000-04:00

It's dark out here, and lonely too
The candle seems to have blown out
Or is it on the verge of blowing out...
I am afraid, so afraid all alone
The crowd is invisible and
the noises all drown
I feel sarcasm in laughters
Of people around
Oh poor, so poor me
Do they think the same?
I share peoples' joys and sorrows
And my heart continues to bleed
For it knew no other to love
For his joy was always my greed.
My pillow will not dry up
Till the dawn of the day
It has learnt to feign so well
It is morning now, so it can tell.
Wipe away those tears
For another bright day ahead
I think for a thousand times
Oh God, can I please be dead?

Tooti kashti ...

2007-08-23T16:19:00.000-04:00

Woh manzil hi kya

jis manzil pe sath tu nahi

Woh raasta hi kya

jis raaste pe tere nishaan nahi

Woh neend hi kya

jis neend mein tera khwaab nahi

Woh zindagi hi kya

jis zindagi ka maksad tu nahi

Ek tooti kashti ki tarah ho gayee hun

Toofan se ladti toh ja rahi hoon

Kinare tak tab bhi na pahunch paoongi main

Ek toote sheeshe ki tarah

Har aansoo mein dikhte hain mujhe

Hazar pehlu har baat ke

Hazar sapne pyaar se bune hue

Aur Hazar aur aansoo...

Functions...

2007-07-26T00:10:00.000-04:00

Hell can't be worse for sure. And dying once can't be different than dying every single day.
The eyes are tired of crying and waiting. They see everything blurred now and they don't seem to need sleep now. They are accustomed to not sleeping now. They like the dark. Well no, they don't like the dark. Nobody likes dark. They just aren't scared enough to close themselves in the dark. The lips only know what a fake smile is. The words have dried up as though the sun's been really harsh on the oasis.
The stomach's getting used to the bare requirement of 1 meal a day. And numerous coffees. The feeling of giddiness lingers on, till I guess it would also be a part of the regular day to day activities. The tongue is getting used to lying. The heart is getting used to the pain. The brain is still functioning the same way - it still thinks. What it thinks now is certainly different from what it used to. It is learning how and what things matter. It is seeing the difference between the truth that is spoken and the truth that prevails.

Har pal...

2007-07-08T00:48:00.000-04:00

suraj ki pehli kiran ke saath
tum aate ho subah ka pehla ehsaas ban kar
aur har pal k beetne ke saath
tum rehte ho ik meethi yaad ban kar
shaam mein suraj ke jaane ke baad
tum aa jaate ho raahon ka chirag ban kar
main jab ho jaaon thodi si udaas
tum aate ho mere hotho ki muskaan ban kar
din bhar ki bhaag daud ke baad
tum bas jaate ho mere zehan mein khwaab ban kar

Randomly saying....

2007-06-24T00:34:00.000-04:00

I was cleaning my e-mail accounts today because they had been over whelmed, and I noticed how much my interaction with him has decreased. It was about a year back when the e-mails we wrote to each other were as much as 10k. And now? Well we hardly have time for each other. We hardly care to know what's going on with the other. The assumption that all's-well-if-not-i'll-get-a-call kind of thing has crept in. Phone calls? Forget them... As for me, all I do is wait and for him, well time's something people of the first world countries are blamed of not having, but it's him who doesn't have it. When I complain, it's a fight ahead because I am not understanding. Ofcourse given that it's me on this side, I no longer complain - to him, that is. I ain't complaining here. Just felt the difference of how relations become stagnant and taken-for-granted with the passage of time, a little over a year in our case.

A friend

2007-06-23T15:36:00.000-04:00

I guess I've lost mine....

Disappointment

2007-06-23T00:29:00.000-04:00

What do you do when someone tells you that's he's very disappointed with you because of a decision you took? What do you do when life's at a place where someone has to sacrifice because of you? What do you do when relations are built forcefully rather than happily? What do you do when you know that some decisions are going to have an adverse affect on everything forever? What do you do when someone needs you but you aren't there for them even when you want to be?

Can you please replace the "you" with "me" up there? Can you care to answer me?

Can I go to hell?

I am Pegasus.... ;)

2007-06-18T20:09:00.000-04:00

You Are a Pegasus

You are a perfectionist, with an eye for beauty.
You know how to live a good life - and you rarely deviate from your good taste.
While you aren't outgoing, you have excellent social skills.
People both admire you - and feel very comfortable around you.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

My Graduation Day

2007-06-17T23:16:00.000-04:00

11th June 2007 - the day I will remember as my graduation...

aaj aankh mein kajal lagate hue
ek aansoo ka katra paaya wahan
jahan honi chahiye thi khushi -
khushi ek manzil ko paane ki
khushi kuch ban ke dikhane ki
thi kami unki mere din mein
jinke khwab ko haqiqat kiya hai maine
jinke bharose ko nibhaya hai maine
jinke pyaar ko naap na paoongi kabhi
jinke sahare se sab paaya hai maine
meri prapti mein jisne garv mehsoos kiya
meri har khushi ko baanta hai unhone
aur meri har takleef ko door kiya
jab bhi apne seene se lagaya hai mujhe
sochti hoon, itna pyaar main kahi na paongi
kaise chali jaongi kisi aur ke ghar
ki door main apni jadon se hoke jee na paongi
ki toot jaongi door ho gayee agar...

My dad was not able to be a part of my Grad day. I missed him a lot...
And today again, it is Father's Day, and he isn't here... I so wish he'd be back soon. Dad, I love you. Happy Father's Day, and Thanks for being the world's bestest Dad.

The world of pretense

2007-06-15T20:50:00.000-04:00

I pretend a smile when I don't feel like it
I pretend a tear when I can't do without it
I pretend calm when only that can help
I pretend a quite and no one can tell.

This world and its beings
Are unhappy in the happy
And happiness seems a lie.

This world and its beings
Are satisfied wih false praises
And I can't damn understand why.

This world and its beings
Are incapable of talking truth
'Cause truth is so dry.

Can you feel and can't you feel
Is it really there or really not there
Two questions and we get one answer.

Feelings and realities
Emotions and expressions
Two diferent things but we get one definition

This world of pretense
Will not change sometime soon
As it is the source of a lot of happiness...

Scattered Leaf

2007-06-15T11:49:00.000-04:00

A leaf fell, scattered;
A leaf lost from it's roots
A leaf away from it's own
A leaf in a new world.

It will not survive long ....
It will not survive
The harsh tests of time,
And of life too.

Is it a verdict?
It is a truth lay hidden
underneath leaves and leaves
of pretense.

The face of Death

2007-06-09T01:43:00.000-04:00

She knocks, (she disguises), she freezes.
She comes, (she sees), she conquers.
She stops, (she dominates), she leaves.

She comes, yes; and she conquers, yes. But does she see, disquise or dominate, I have no absolute clue. Does she have time enough to disguise, see or dominate?

From the knock to the vanishment, it could be a second to I don't know how long, it could be a tinge of pain to I don't know how much. It could mean eternity or it could mean suffering. It could be a blessing or a curse (I personally assume the worst curse God put on man was to grant him a life).

I wonder what it feels like to be walking away with someone from whom initially we are scared to "death". I wonder why we are so afraid to walk away with her when we know for sure that the life after now would certainly be less hellish than this one. I wonder why we moan for people who leave us? Is it for them that we moan or for us? Is it so necessary to moan if you heard about a death even when the person as a live person wasn't much to you?

Human nature and it's intricacies amaze me to the extent that I sometimes think is it normal to think; is it normal to be out of the norms. Is it inhumane to think far above and beyond?

I know it's something not anyone/everyone would want to read. I am sorry for putting it up here, but I am desperately intrigued thinking that I am inhumane and perhaps, to an extent, unfeeling.

Bus ek baar

2007-06-09T01:28:00.000-04:00

Woh pal pal ko mehkati khushiyan
Woh waqt bewaqt aati siskiyan
Bus ek baar aur jeena chahti hoon unhe

Woh saari ki saari galatiyan
Woh athkheliyan aur nadaniyan
Bus ek baar aur karna chahti hoon unhe

Woh doston ke baahon ke sahare
Woh yaadein jo baaki hain paas hamare
Bus ek baar aur yaad kar lena chahti hoon unhe

Woh roothne-manaane ka khel
Woh pyaar se bhara dilon ka mel
Bus ek baar aur dekhna chahti hoon unhe

Woh paas hai

2007-05-13T00:56:00.000-04:00

khilte phool ko dekhkar laga
uska komal ehsaas hai saath mere
suraj ki madham hoti roshni ne bola
uski pyaar ki lau hai saath tere
shaam ne odhi laalima si chadar
uske pyaar ke rang ho liye saath mere
taaron se milti raat ne kaha
uske jazbaat hai saath tere
hawaa ne gungunata hua geet gaya
woh nahi, uska dil hai paas tere
itni dooriyan ho kar bhi
woh paas hai, hai saath mere
itrati hoon main is baat pe haan,
woh paas hai, hai saath mere ....

I am missing him desperately....

My 100th Post

2007-05-13T00:30:00.000-04:00

This is my 100th post on Blogger. Umm, I lost my previous blog entirely.

What in days I have that I'd like to remember
And what in life do I have to forget forever?
For moving on is a part of life
And one who lives not this part of life
Is one who strives to live others, but can't.

What, in circumstances do I have to face
And what in pleasures do I have to trace?
For one life is a little too much
And awkwardly too less to embrace
Him, His character and His grace.

Neend ya khwaab ?

2007-05-12T01:57:00.000-04:00

For the past some days, my MSN and GTalk carry a message "dekhte hain pehle kaun aata hai - neend ya khwaab"

Khwaab is more real than the most realistic dream i've dreamt of... And neend ofcourse is self-explanatory.

At this time of the day (umm, night, i'd rather say it to be), when I am exhausted after a hectic day at work and travel, I do sincerely wait for whoever comes first to me - my dream or my sleep. It's so happening that sleep's faster to come almost every single day ... and the coming of dream before sleep actually takes me by surprise, rare as it may be, but whenever that happens.

Does sleep care more for me so as to approach me and caress me tenderly? I dare not think that, because it is but the dream that I wait for. Dream's disappointing.

It's 2:06 a.m. EST, Saturday 12th May, 2007. Sleep's been enticing me for the past one hour and a half. But the hope of being with the dream before I go to sleep has, like most other days, been shattered.

Dream doesn't care I guess. Dream's going to be there even when sleep is there (even though that would be an unconscious and unaware-of presence) ; so perhaps it doesn't care as much as I would love it to.

2:11 a.m. Good Night World!

Off and on

2007-05-12T01:09:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all the people who've been enquiring about me ... :)
Nothing serious I assure you - it's just that my mind wanders farther than it should. Just that my heart doesn't want to believe the things my mind "confirms" ....
This post is just to make you acquainted with whatever's going on in my life on a very exterior level. My studies at University are done; I am expecting my grades in about a week from now and I am expecting to graduate in June, meaning I'll be (hopefully) having my convocation in June. Before I was done with school, I had a job offer in my hands, so I have been working full time for a month now. My position was a contract position initially, which was expected to end in October. But things had been going really well, so I had been offered a full time position at the place in my 3rd week of work.
And it wasn't unevitable of people to ask, "tumhare paas paisa hai, pyaar hai, degree hai, naukri hai - What else do you need to be happy?" Human wants and desires keep on exceeding depending on how much more they are getting. God knows that there's just one thing that I've asked from Him since I don't know how long. But as some of my posts imprudently blurt out, He's unlistening these days.
Leaving that aside, my journey to my workplace and back takes about 3 hours in all and that possibly means three hours of my life daily Monday to Friday are wasted in nothing but watching people monotonously and smelling various scents in the more-than-needed warm buses. But I've decided to utilize that time slot by doing some reading, which as a habit had been long forgotten during the course of my higher education. I've finished reading "Londonstani" by Gautam Malkani and "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho. Now I've gotten back to the classic by Jane Austen, "Pride and Prejudice". Oh! and I must speak highly of the way she writes.
I've watched some movies recently. Ta Ra Rum Pum left me in a terrible mood, because it dawned upon me that not everyone is destined to win in this destitute life, and that not every father can win a car race when it is the one thing he'd most desperately be wanting for whatever reasons. Every father tries, but there's really something with God. He chooses some "Champ's" father to win and some "Non-Champ's" father to lose or keep on fighting for Non-Champ for the rest of his life.

And I guess, that's it... Wishing you all survived this storm of feelings and realities.... Cheers all!!!!

A happier family

2007-04-29T23:37:00.000-04:00

His eyes are empty; they are fed up of trying to say something and of seeing others being unwary of him wanting to say something. Her eyes speak of a dilemma and of some unavoidable doom. Their daughter's eyes are one of those know-it-all-but-helpless pairs. She has to get married after all. She has to go to "her own home" one day. Her mum wasn't like other mums. Her mum was happy when she was born; her mum let her have well, quite an independent life. But it turned out that a girl's mother is still a girl's mother.
A daughter is not a son after all. A daughter would leave them struggling with their lives; a son wouldn't have. A daughter would make some other home her home worrying about their problems rather than her own home's problems; a son wouldn't. A daughter would pay off for what she has learnt from her parents in an entirely different world; a son wouldn't. A daughter would go to the land of her dreams someday and kind of forget that her parents are in the land of scorching bright sun and sun burns that would probably take forever to heal; a son wouldn't.
And then, there is something with her parent's best friend. He is an egoist at heart, a scoundrel in guise. He's pretty well off to ask for any help from them; but also he ain't there when they needs help. And their faith in him is strong. Why can't they see there's no one else responsible for their lives and it's voluptuous turns? Why can't they see its him and his evil mastermind planning to rip them off once again? The girl is certainly going to murder him some day if he already ain't killed by someone else for his mischievous and exasperating deeds.
She's waiting. And wishing. They'd all have been happier with her being a guy. The killing would be easier too. She had had friends who'd killed their version of such a best friend. And there are secrets you or I don't know and we can safely presume, can never know. Secrets that would probably go with her.

Conversation

2007-04-24T00:33:00.000-04:00

"Why the heck did you choose to go?"
"There was no reason to stay".
"Tell me one good reason you want to go".
"Tell me one good reason I would want to stay".
"I love you".

Passing thought!

2007-04-21T01:53:00.000-04:00

Life is but my old friend
We break-up, we start afresh.
I get to learn a lot from it
Does it, by a chance, have a benefit
Of walking with me, or
Learning from me ?

Would it be alone some day I left?

I write

2007-04-21T01:42:00.000-04:00

I write
Of a million memories tied into one
Of a milliom moments clubbed to forever
Of a million destinies and hopes,
Of a million dreams taking shape
Like a seedling into a plant
Like a thought into a creation.
Of the faraway love, weaving
Stranger bonds each passing day.
Of the blissful tears ready
To be out on their way.
Of a phone call seemingly
A million eons away.

I write of love, of strength
Of God and His power
Of faith, trust and life
Of every passing day and night
But don't I forget we humans
Grow and learn, hit and miss,
Fulfill and regret.

I forget to write
Of sorrows, misery and weakness
Of bad, the worse and worst,
Of a broken heart knowing no good,
Of a beggar child going without food
Of depression and blue
Of fate and fatal shades of hue.

Search

2007-04-21T01:35:00.000-04:00

Forever she stood,
Searching for truth
Searching for eternity.
She searched life -
Merriment and strife;
She searched water and earth
And yes, the heaven above;
She searched her room
She searched the world
And one day, she found love.

All out!!!!!

2007-03-24T12:50:00.000-04:00

Umm, it was a bad day with cricket yesterday. India LOST!!! I had a feeling Sehwag and Dravid would steal the show. And I must say, poor Dravid... He didn't even hold his bat high after he had made 50 runs, and was so ashamed after the match ended .... N now the only chance of an entry into super 8's is the victory of Bermuda over Bangladesh... Strange isn't it that our forwarding depends on defeat of Bangladesh... :D ... n which has a 1 in 1000 chances ....
And not to mention that India made a world record playing against Bermuda, and B'desh defeated India......
I hope the cricket crazy Indian friends don't do something ridiculous as they started to do when India lost against B'desh ....
Well, now I guess it's time to wish luck to Bermuda :D
Go Bermuda Go!!!
With all luck n wishes for India and Bermuda ;)

Whatsup?

2007-03-21T02:06:00.000-04:00

Here I come, with a very brief update of what's going on with and near me these days. 2 years since my entry into Canada, and I still would rightly say, I am still learning my ways around here. I've seen enough life to say that life certainly is more powerful than God. Not that I ever did under estimate the power of life, but I think I had certainly over estimated the power of God. I am in the midst of faith and no-faith on God. I don't want to shadow this one supreme being from my life.
I had been busy over the weekend with an assignment due on Monday. I slept for only two hours on Sunday night, and Monday I was barely awake. And distraught. This post was due yesterday, but the computer I was writing on hung twice, as I was typing this. So I couldn't really finish what I had to say. It was a tiring day. Sh took me to his house and then dropped me home. I wonder how pretentious I am at times. But I was genuine yesterday. I had that mask of positivity kind of unveiled (without wanting it ofcourse), and I guess probably anyone would understand that as a human, a perfect life is a dream - a dream not ever meant to come true.
My man's quite busy these days. It's good in a way. But then.... Oh well, I guess some things can wait. And some people can wait as well. And not to forget, we have a habit of complaining.
It's an unsatisfactory life. It's missing so much more than it's fulfilling. It's the difference between wanting and getting. It's the difference between living life, and living. It's the magnanimity of humans that we still live this "gift" of God called life.

An experience to learn from...

2007-03-10T00:02:00.000-05:00

I guess I will never forget today's day. Went for a movie with friends - walking for 40 minutes in minus some degrees temperature, with no gloves and cap on, and breathing heavily. Well the walk was supposed to be 8 minutes, which is quite agreeable. But nevertheless, that's what we ended up with. I could've handled that. But what's been really annoying and frustrating for me today was that we weren't really walking together. It was probably a kind of race to get to the theatre first, more than anything - more than the fact that the area was new, more than the fact that some people were walking behind the rest, more than the fact that some people were walking slower than the rest, more than the fact that the snow wasn't really somewhere you'd want to walk alone tripping and saving your own self from falling. I want to say more right now, but I think it's a good idea to not to write when you're angry about something. I was short of breadth by the time we reached, and half-sick :-).

Me, who thinks she can handle every damn thing in life, wasn't really wanting to tell anyone about the pain I was feeling in my chest. I suck at that. I know I do. And Sh was right in saying today that it's been quite a while since we know each other and I behave formally. I donno. I so miss those college friends whenever something happens, that I wish they were here. Because they could certainly have walked with me. Because they could've matched their pace with mine - coz I walk slow.

But well, I was on the verge of crying because someone like V who I assume is the fastest walker I've seen, can walk slow when he walks with me. Or rather, walked. Or I could have rightfully shouted at him and asked him to walk with my pace. But somehow, I don't feel that I have a right on them as much as I did on those people. Probably it's the time. It probably is the time. I was with them for 3 years almost, and I am with them for about less than a year. That's simply me; rebelling against myself, for what I feel, think and believe. And I refuse to learn, because I refuse to do what ought to be done when you are dissatisfied with the way others around you weave phases of your life along with you.

Vice and Advice

2007-03-08T19:06:00.001-05:00

Vice and advice have the much respected cause-effect relationship. I kind of realized this yesterday as I was listening to a friend's problem. Not quite a close friend, but well, I think it doesn't really matter to lend a listening ear to someone who wants to speak up and is comfortable doing that in front of you. It's so hard to change habits. You know what's wrong - where exactly is the problem arising from, but you want to eliminate that part saying "I am just the way I am". I myself use that so often.

It feels great when you think that someone can be on the same page as you. After this same-page-story, I believe people usually fall into two categories - one of people who want advice from you and take it gladly if you offer some, and the other of people who know the facts and figures too well to take any advice that you offer them. Not that they know everything, but just that they know what you have to tell them. I fall into this second category. I am someone who just wants shoulders to cry on (quite often wanting those shoulders without even telling them why I need them). I hate being adviced. And I hate depending.

And then, there are people we take for granted - people whom we expect to be there all the time, people who could read our faces without looking and our voice without hearing, people whom we expect to know everything without describing them. I presume that telepathy exists. But apparently it doesn't....

Arghh!! That was too much of philosophy, I guess. I needed to blurt out something.

Aaj phir ...

2007-03-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

Ek aah si aisi di hai sunaayee
Jiska na koi sahara, na wajood,
ki ghumon ka phir chal raha hai silsila
Aur phir hain tanha hum koi sahara na maujood...

sisakti aankhein kehti toh bahut kuch hain
par na samajh sakta hai har insaan
Ek hum bhi hain aisi uljhan mei fasse
Ki lab khamosh hain bolti hai aankho ki zubaan...

Kahan hai woh bandon ka rakhwala?
Kahan hai woh pyaar ki madhushala?
Woh jo dard leta aur khushi deta hai
Kya mere hisse ki bhi auron mein baant deta hai?

Har bikhare pal tooti khushi ko
Sametne ki koshish pe koshish karti hoon
Aur woh haath pe haath dhare rehta hai
Aur paani ki tarah sab baha deta hai ...

I wish words could say everything. Or rather, I could use them for saying everything. To make the long story short, life's not smooth at my end.

My V'day ...

2007-02-16T12:33:00.000-05:00

Was it just another day gone by, with memories of him living longer than the day? Was it just another time, he enthralled me with all the romance he has in him ? Was it just another moment, when like thousands of others he said that he loves me?

Yes, it was just another day gone by, with memories of him living longer than the day. My day starts with his thoughts and ends with his dreams. Yes, it was just another time, he enthralled me with all the romance he has. Every time I hear the love trickling in his voice, I wish time stops right there. Yes, it was just another moment, when like thousands of others, he said he loves me. But still, I never get tired of listening.

The truth is that he's made every day a Valentine's Day for me. The truth is that I celebrate each day as it was the most special day of the year, because it is filled with his love. The truth is that I dream of him every single moment, I miss him every single second, and I love him every single milli-second.

Thanks for making my life so worth living. Thanks for everything. I pray to God to never let me stop missing you, or to make you so close to me, that I can't think of missing you.

The countdown begins - 3 (Part II)

2007-02-11T17:35:00.001-05:00

The last time I wrote before today. I was fretting. I was blue. To say I am out of it completely yet is still wrong. I've been badly influenced by the way things steered. I guess we've been waving hands off things. But well, it's alright. Valentine's Day is here.
I've begun breathing love again. And to say I was so so so alone last Valentine's. I was so in love even then, but it's a story best forgotten... And this year? Well, I sure am alone this year as well. But there's this guy who's promised to be with me when I am walking alone. How I wish I could see him walking beside me. I know he's there. I can feel him. Hoping to see him sooon as well...
With lovely moments lived together and with beautiful dreams woven around each other, it sure is a world of fantasy that we live in. Wish it remains this way always - even more beautiful than the present.

"... When I grew up and fell in love, I asked my lover, "what lies ahead? will we have rainbows day after day?" Guess what my lover said,

Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be, will be,
The future's not ours to see, Que Sera Sera
What will be, will be"

Song of the moment: dilruba by Kailash Kher (if you haven't heard this song, you should. I am so in love with this guy's voice.)
Mood of the moment: Normal

The countdown begins - 3

2007-02-11T17:14:00.000-05:00

A life we care
A dream we share,
A happiness, a love
A togetherness and
Oh yes, God above...

A joy for today,
A hope for tomorrow,
A memory of the past
A life complete and
Oh yes, may it last...

And ofcourse, I live him, I think him, I dream him, I love him and Oh yes, I love him ....

Love is in the air. It's with me all the while. But it's the time when everyone else (except me) is also breathing love :-)

Today ...

2007-01-28T13:57:00.000-05:00

I sit lonely , in front of my laptop. People are online on my msngers but I am in no good mood to talk to them. I had been waiting for 1 phone call over the week and the weekend. I could have called, but remember, I've been broke. I have been waiting for my pay cheques, and I guess I've been spending rather lavishly. I thought he'd call... He said he would when he had some free time. Probably Sunday (t00) ain't free.
I have a pile of work waiting to be done, actually waiting to be started. But as long as I'd be drowned in blues, I guess I won't be able to start it.
I've desperately been needing Shru - but it's like whenever I talk to her, she's more pissed off than I am, so I let it go. And I am broke :-) so can't call her for at least a couple of days more.
Urghhhhh ! I hate this ... I hate myself for smiling when I don't feel like it ...
How I wish he'd read my blog without my having to show it to him ... How I wish I wasn't such a damn introvert ...
And lastly, dear Starry, thanks for all your supporting comments... n thanks for being around all this while... I am alright, I am sure I'll b able to handle this ...

Song of the moment: Dil nahi lagda tere bina ...
Mood of the moment: Blue ...

Differences ...

2007-01-28T00:02:00.000-05:00

How would an interaction between a person in 2-d coordinate system and a person in 3-d coordinate system be like ?

Obviously frequent fights rather than the curiosity to know what's going on and how things work in the other world ...

(Idea from Carl Sagan's DVD "Cosmos", where he tells that a person in 2-d space knows ONLY length and breadth and no height, and the notion of height is weird to him)

Kash ......

2007-01-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

Kash raahein itni sakheel na hoti,

Kash zabaan par kuch lagam di hoti,

Na dena padhta aaj jawab unhe

Na khafa hote woh na hum udas hote

Baat karne se baat banti hai bigarti nahi

Kyun is baat ko woh samajhte nahi

Kaash jazbaat bayan kiya hote unhone

Toh hum sahi sochte zyaada nahi kam nahi

I am feeling hell desperate :-( .

And I am horribly broke as well ;-).

Blindfolded

2007-01-26T00:54:00.000-05:00

He moves his head lightly in sync with the music his i-pod plays. He expects that the first seat in the bus would be vacated for him as people see him and tends to walk to 'his' seat. He walks with a stick, so that he doesn't bump into an obstacle. He recognizes the university by the turns the bus takes. And his home by probably measuring the time, or probably using his sixth sense. I am not sure; I can never be sure.
He is the blind man, whom I see so very often on the route to my university. He's young, he's quiet, he's brown and he's patient. He probably would be thanking God because he's able to secure a seat in the bus. Or that he's able to never miss his stop when he goes home. Even if he can't see. Or that he can sense the bus coming, and know where exactly to stand. There are people who walk him to the place he ought to be, and there are people who let him stand where he stands, let him board the wrong bus, and even don't vacate their seat for him.
What would he be studying at the university ? How would he be doing EVERYTHING ? The other day, I was hearing a group of elderly people talking, and one of them said, "If I had to lose all my senses, let my sight be the last thing I lose". And my mind so drifted to that blind young man. Would he have ever experienced the colour of sunflowers dancing on a bright sunny day ? Would he ever have experienced what it is like to see a grey sky when it is smelling like rain and all the trees are suddenly greener than usual ? Would he ever have thought that sight would be the last of the senses he would like to lose ?
I don't know how often he would be complaining, or even if he would be doing it ever or not. I pray to God to give him mental strength, so that he never loses faith in what God has given him. I am sure God must have balanced it all - He sure loves his kids.
And to think of it now reminds me of how as kids we used to blindfold our eyes and play the game of searching for others, taking care of what comes in the way as danger.

I am sorry

2007-01-24T01:38:00.000-05:00

I wish words could really be taken back,
And we could fit in what they lack
I know words don't heal as much they hurt
I know they are but hard and blunt.
I don't always mean what I say,
When I am blue, black and grey,
I hurt you more than I love you
But know that I love you true.
Is there another way I could be sorry,
To tell you I really am sorry, very sorry?

To the readers: IS there a way I could say I am reallllly sorry? I realllllly mean it .........

Ramblings !!

2007-01-19T15:02:00.000-05:00

The winter sun
And the cold winter mornings,
The faraway love
And the cold all-time distances.
The sleepy dream
And the cold sudden wake-up.
Everything is but happy,
With an air of cold,
Everything is still perfect.
A feeling ramified,
A silence unjustified,
A want unfulfilled,
I am living imperfection
Imperfection at its best.
I am living a life that is
Still better than the rest.

Good bye 2006 - Reflections

2006-12-30T01:35:00.000-05:00

With grace will I let the 2006 go; afterall there's nothing I could have asked more from God. It was a complete fulfilling year for me.
The year 2006 started with a blast. And I literally mean it. It was about some course issue, and the prof. had created an issue on January 1st, 2006. Oh My God!! What traumatic (almost) 15 days had been then! But I am actually glad the ending wasn't that horrifying.
There were more traumatizing things at that time. My never-stopping-to-think-mind to add to everything. I'll never forget that time. At least it caused me to think for what I wanted, and what I needed as well. Time moving on, sadness walking with me as my shadow, crucial decisions haunting me every single while - that was the start of the year.
But then, times change, and we change with time. A 6th grader had taught me that when I was in grade 9th. And I realise that now - it holds so true. Then came on the time when everything I saw got a new look on it. I had my sweetheart. I too had someone to call my sweetheart. I was a lot more happier. I could see problems waving away their hands from me. I wasn't alone anymore. And after that was the time when I even had friends. Here, with me. A year of sheer and complete loneliness before now, but Oh! how things change when you are in love. And I've experienced the change. I love it.
Every single day. Every single moment. ;)
I had a great summer school. The school wasn't as great as the summer - it was filled with brighter colors, happier thoughts and merrier me. I had gotten friends in Canada as well now. Good summer school results, followed by a more fun filled Fall term. I've loved week days more than weekends in the Fall for obvious reasons. And I've loved him more with each passing day.
One thing still remains to be changed. One thing, and perhaps the only thing in my life which has forgotten to smile even in this year. Lord knows how precious that smile is for me. And I do pray to Him, to return that one smile to us. To shower his blessings so that I could see not only smiles but also giggles.
As we all turn our backs on the year 2006, I pray to God to sprinkle happiness on every soul on this earth so much so that humans never find themselves drunk in sorrow. I pray to God to make every person see the beauty of today and of what we all have. I pray to God to love my friends and bless them, because they all are so special in my life. I couldn't have been what i am save for them.
I pray to God to keep him safe and successful, and may all his sorrows be mine forever. I pray that the only time there are tears in his eyes is the time when he's filled with utmost happiness.
I pray that my family, who's always stood beside me during every walk of my life, be blessed for ages to come. I pray God, for them so that they never have to see the face of sadness in life. I love them, and more than anything else, and their happiness is my world.

I wish you all a fantastic year ahead! And a fantastic life ahead! My friends! Don't ever leave me, I can't manage things without you guys out there!
God bless you all... Hope you all have a blast on New Year ...

They call him love

2006-12-27T23:06:00.000-05:00

The one who has been captured
Like a fresh fragrant dream,
The one who came, who saw
And the one who conquered,
The one who walked with me
When I was sad, and tired,
As peaceful as the moon who is
And as harmless as the dove
They call him love, my love.

Changes .....

2006-12-12T02:01:00.000-05:00

The easiest thing in the world to be is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position.: Leo Buscaglia

Oh! how I want to expand on this quote. It's felt like I wrote that down. Or that it was meant to be written for me .... I caught hold of it from Peenut's blog.
Thanks to the one who wrote it down for me, as I never would have gathered courage to write that down for myself ... n thanks to my buddy who let me pick this quote from his blog.

Well, I don't really wanna say more, but I have been feeling a bit pathetic ....

Woh ...

2006-12-12T01:10:00.000-05:00

Ek ehsaas hai woh
Darr hai kahin kho na dun usse
Ek khwaab hai woh
Darr hai neend se na uthana mujhe

Ek kaayam waayde ki tarah
Ek saathi ek saaye ki tarah
Mere saath mein hai chalta woh
Mere wajood mein hai milta woh

Yun ruke hue se raaste
Yun thode badhe hue se faasle
Gunguna kar jaate hain chupke se
Abhi kuch der mein hai sehar

Pyaar hai uski pukar se
Pyaar hai uske pyaar se
Pyaar hai uski shararat se
Aur halki si muskurahat se

Ae khuda mujhe maaf kar dena
Tera sajda is tarah na kar paoon
Ki uski adalat mein ek mujarim
Karaar ho jaon aur wohi reh jaoon...

Phir kuch sawal...

2006-11-28T17:04:00.000-05:00

Kyun kuch aur raha nahi hai likhne ke liye ...
Kyun kuch aur raha nahi hai sochne ke liye ...
Kyun rehte hain hum haqeeqat se door
khwabon mein gum,
Kya yeh haal udhar bhi hoga, ki bus
Aise haal mein hain hum ?

Kyun raat mein uska pyaar ka rang odhti ...
Kyun din ko uske ehsaas se jaagti ...
Kyun lagte hain ujale ujale se naye naye se
yeh din, yeh subah yeh raat,
khilte phool ke jaisi hoti hai khushboo
Aur masoom se jazbaat ....

Pyaar

2006-11-27T00:16:00.000-05:00

क्या नहीं पाया है तुम्हारा साथ पा कर
यूँ रंगीन बना है मेरा जहान आज
क्या इसी को किस्मत हैं कहते
के आप हो गये हैं मेरी ज़िन्दगी का ताज |

यह हाथों की लकीरों में था लिखा
यह रास्तों पर हैं निशाँ बना हुआ
यह जाते हैं सब उस मँज़िल की ओर
हमें बाँधे है जहाँ प्रेम की डोर |

All that is ....

2006-11-19T01:17:00.000-05:00

I've signed in on Blogger after many many days. The reason?
Two reasons. First, it had been way too long since I posted something, and the fear of my blog becoming obsolete drives me to write occasionally. And the second reason being that I have been feeling pretty low today. The reason? I honestly don't know. It's just one of those heavily "blue" days.
Talking about the selfishness of humans, ain't I selfish as well? I turned to my friend my blog when I wanted it to hear something that most humans near me close to me wouldn't understand. But then, I am not that demanding as all I need is a blog to listen to what I have to say at times.
Leaving that aside, I talk to my love more often. I am happy about that. Very happy, infact. It makes me feel more confident about our relation. Not that I mistrust him ever, but just that I've always wanted it to be like this. And I love it absolutely. Except for one thing. Somehow, with the passage of time, it has become trivial enough to not to bother me so much as it used to when we weren't in a relationship. It's the magic of love, or I'd be right if I say, his love.
The romantic cold air that is being drawn into the room I am in right now, mesmerizing the curtains with its charm, makes me miss him all the more. Oh, people say time flies, but I guess not when it's the waiting time....
But then, intezaar ka phal meetha hota hai....
IT BETTER BE!!!!

I found this beautiful picture while searching for something to say "I love you". And in fact, love's given me wings. It's given me wings of fantasy - fantasy turning to reality. It's given me wings to fly carelessly. It's given me courage to walk through the hardest of roads, and through the toughest of times. It's given me freedom enough to love him a million times again. It's given me a strength, a power, a truth. I've always believed in the magic of love. And for now, I am living that magic. I am experiencing the charm and the beauty of love.
And to him, who's been so good that it all seems picture perfect for me, I have no more than these words to say to you,
I LOVE YOU. Thanks for being there for me.

Born to live ......

2006-11-10T13:04:00.000-05:00

For all of u folks, who've remembered me while I was not able to frequent my trips to blogger. And for those, who might, by sheer chance some day blog hop over to my blog.

And remember you are born to live, and not living because you are born! ! !

What a movie!

2006-10-29T01:27:00.000-05:00

It was an exciting day. I went out with friends and watched two movies today - Don and Jaan-e-man. The former one was an awesome remake, neither too far away from the original Don nor too focused and copied from the original one, and the latter one depicting the many vibrant colors of love.
Although Shahrukh wasn't really a man who should have opted for the role of Don, more so after its having been portrayed by Big B, but still this man did try to do a fabulous work. "Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, namumkin hai". And the twist at the end was the most unexpected one. I couldn't have ever guessed that. It was over all good. I like the song - "Aaj ki raat ... " But the Shahrukh as Vijay ( khaiyke paan banaras waala fame) wasn't really comparable to Big B. But I absolutely loved the colors in this song and "Maurya " song. They reminded me of the lovely, fun filled and warm culture of ours. I haven't ever been part of such festivity, but I would always love to be a part of it. Leaving comparisons aside, it was a movie worth a watch.
And Jaan-e-man? Reminded me of mine. Sincerely. How I wish mine was here as well. Anyway, speaking about the movie, it was ok kinds. Akshay Kumar - the nerd was fantastic. And his laugh - "hie hie hie hie" drove me nuts. I've been laughing like that ever since I've reached back home. It was actually good to see Salman in a pretty decent role. And Preity? What say about her? She's "preity" perfect ;). I don't really like her with her hair colored.
It was also good to see the way the movie handled the issue of love - in the sense that it's impossible to forget the person one loves ever. I didn't quite like it's sound track. It was just like you are saying a bunch of words - like a dialog, but not as a song. The first part is fun!
Jaanemann Jaanemannn!
I've been saying that after the movie "hie hie hie hie " Do watch him laugh! I have been trying to locate a video of his laughing. If I get success, I'll put up the link here for sure!
Till my next post, Ciao!!!

Of now and then

2006-10-26T17:07:00.000-04:00

Out of the most versatile statements a human being uses is probably, "When I was ...". Happiness, or regret - we use this so so often. Of now and then, of here and there, of probably everything and nothing, the contrast seems so superficial in its own regards. But still so deep. And possibly true.
Well, the point I am making is despite knowing that this is the moment I have to live, I still don't do it. I would like to substitute someone I know and deeply regard with this "I" in the above statement. Praying to God and keeping faith just vanishes all in but a jiffy, when this outlived "when" comes in out of nowhere, to spoil the hope of today, the gift of today and the excellent aura of now.
I wish believing in God was really the same thing as saying that I believe Him. Or despite not believing in His power one shouldn't really say "Thank You God" when you aren't really content with what He has in store for you.
Whom are you lying to? Whom are you deceiving? He won't be hampered if you don't believe Him and let Him know that.

Happy Diwali !

2006-10-21T10:28:00.000-04:00

So the fun filled enthralling day of Diwali has begun (about to end in India ). The best part was that I got to talk to a couple of friends from India. But I am unable to talk to someone :(
Neways, I am hoping people in India must be enjoying their day to the fullest, and as the night takes over, the excitement doubles...
Diwali in India, for us used to be a busy affair - going to people's houses to greet them ... And in the evening, lighting diyas and candles in the vicinity of the house. We celebrated Diwali with our cousins always. So it was 2 times the fun. Play some music on full volume, have fun, dance, masti n dhoom for quite some time till the elder members of the family get back home. Me and my sis used to be dance freaks ;) And then, we would do a collective Pooja. Believe it or not, the Pooja was eagerly awaited, because we performed it together, n moreover it would such a pleasant fun filled atmosphere. It was truly the best part of our celebrations. And a couple of crackers. And then jua. Hehehehehehe...
The ones who didn't know Flash (it's a card game) would pair up with someone and pool in money with that person. All wins and losses were shared equally amonst partners. And with so much to do in a single day, the day would finally be over.. Leaving happy memories, which remain freshly fragrant even today ....
It seems like I've forgotten all the Bhangra I'd learnt while I was in Punjab ...
But it's alright...
Times change, and we change with time (probably).
But I truly miss those times!
I know I don't have a lot of people who read my blog. But all those who do read it once a while, Happy Diwali to all of u...May God bless u all, and may He give u the very best in life. May He take away all your pains, and sufferings, and may he bless and love your loved ones as well !!!!

I, Me, Myself !

2006-10-15T14:31:00.000-04:00

rules of the game: ( I am copying this part from Adi as is :-) )
1. Name the person who tagged you. - Adi
2. Eight things about you. - Here they are:

Despite everything good in my life, I complain a lot at times, and experience severe mood swings.
I am one of those lucky girls, who has a lovely family who's always supporting her, friends who are almost always there when I need them, a boy friend who makes me feel so special ....
My favourite places in the world (which I would love to visit ) are Italy & Paris. And my favourite places which I've already visited are Dalhousie in India, Wales in U.K. and Niagara Falls in Canada.
I am capable of hiding my non-physical pain. I am even capable of bearing non-physical pain. But when it comes to physical pain, I truly can't stand it.
I am afraid of losing. Be it people, relations, my stuff, or even a game. I don't play the games I don't know as I fear losing. I am not even ready to give them a try for the same reason.
At times, I have a very romantic, probably unrealistic idea of things like life, love, relations. At other times, these things intrigue me to the extent that I am lost in the real sense of the word.
I have really bad food habits. Healthy food for me is a big no-no! Chocolates act as green vegetables and Maggi acts as proteins for me ;). Fats are like vitamins.
I like being tagged, I hate writing about myself in this specific manner and I do tags ( for sure), even if I do them a bit late

3. Tag six people. - I am not really left with a choice of 6 people as I don't even know 6 blogger folks. Anyway, I would like to tag Dee, who's recently put up a blog ( and I would definitely like to know 8 more things things about her). And, remind Peenut that he still has the pending tag to do :-)

My poems...

2006-10-07T15:39:00.000-04:00

I think I've never posted even one of my English poems here.... The reason being that

http://postpoems.com/members/loyal_libran

is where i post them! I would love it if you all read them, n comment/critique them, if possible. They are just a few of them there.....
Take care all,
Have a great long weekend!!

Autumn....

2006-10-07T15:18:00.000-04:00

One of my favourite times of the years is October. Not because of my birthday alone, but also because it brings the dry yet absolutely beautiful season of autumn along with it.
There's a pain that I associate with autumn. That's the pain of departure. The departure of the leaves from the branches of the tree. But I also don't know despite this pain, the down-fall makes the leaves so very graceful. And so colorful. Not the colors of black and white. But yellow, orange, maroon, red, and ofcourse green. The world looks a lot more vibrant than summers. And with a sweet, romantically tantalizing and a bit of chilliness in the air, it all makes the atmosphere so very perfect.
As I travel everyday along the same route to my university, I think that today definitely, I am going to write about this awesome fall, but then, as I head home, I am lost in the beauty of the night and then, I wish that may this journey never end. But then, that's a journey whose destination I know. And there are those journeys far more important than that one, yet I don't know the destination.

yeh manzilein aur yeh safar
yeh sapne aur yeh sehar,
ke kaash hum jaan paate
aghaz yeh hai toh anjaam kya hoga,
ke kaash hum pehchaan paate
yeh sahi hai ya sahi kuch aur hoga ....

A day comes n goes!!!

2006-10-03T00:20:00.000-04:00

Amongst joys, wishes, treats, hugs, kisses, cakes, sweets, miracles, prayers lies a truth - a birthday! I wait eagerly for this day to come, just to see me celebrate it alone. Just to see that it is 12:20 am in the middle of the night, and here I sit beside my laptop - lonely as always, waiting and wishing for a live soul to wish me. To wish me joy, happiness, luck. To pray for me.
Probably my Indian friends would call in the morning. But then, I won't be home. Why do they forget that even I am busy in the day time. Or perhaps they forget something else.
And the Canadian friends? Well, why would they remember? Even if someone told them in the morning that it was my special day tomorrow.
Some messages on orkut from acquaintances and from a couple of friends as well. It's just a very formal wish. But I am not complaining for that. A wish is a wish, after all!
But probably the day has just started. And may be I am being too kiddish and demanding. But................
Let's leave all that. What's in a wish?
mmmmmmm, let's discuss about my resolution this year. It's so hard first of all, to make a resolution and then to keep it. I am planning to stop cribbing about people who don't give a damn about me. You need me, feel more than welcome to come and ask me for it. I'd be only too glad to help you out. In return, I promise myself, I wouldn't look back upon you to help me when I need it, or even be there for me. Or think that I exist. I am also planning to think more positively, find my lost self again. While it is so hard to keep my resolutions, I'll try to adhere to them.
That being all for an exam - filled, wait filled b'day bash at my end!!!
Cheers all those who celebrate the same b'day as me, hav a lovely day and a lovely year ahead... May God bless you all, and may you have a fun-filled and memorable day...

And all of you, who have joined me here for a b'day treat, that's for u .......

Have Fun!!!!!!!

Update

2006-09-18T02:46:00.000-04:00

I've put up a pending post today "My side of the story....", which, I donno why, appears below the post below this one!!!
Ciao!!!!!

What's in a name?

2006-09-13T13:51:00.000-04:00

Kerri went on in her very excited tone, " I like your name very much." I gave her a grin and respond with a very cheerful thank you. She continued, "We Canadians are not a bunch of friendly people at all. What people usually do when they get resumes for a job is to sort them out according to the names. A person would be sorted out in the first-time sorting just because his name is not in sync with the hiring professional's community". She ended up with a matter-of-factly tone, " I have always looked up on people who have immigrated from other nations. I am glad I don't do that. Otherwise, I would have missed you. "

I listened to her speech trying to digest what I had just heard, trying to understand what it meant to me, and trying to figure out its dire consequences. I simply managed a nod and a smile to cream it all up.

Well, all's well that end's well. Quite true, but with a haunting over-powering sense of shock and uncertainty walking right beside me. "What's in a name? A rose by any other name will smell as sweet." The famous quote by Shakespeare occupied my mind. A rose would be hired if it was named rose, but not if it was named "Tulip".... Phew!!! Kind of weird isn't it?

Let's garter this hope firmly - I'll make it just as I made it this time. Let's hope a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. Let's hope Shakespearinism sustains.

My side of the story....

2006-09-07T13:43:00.000-04:00

Among all the things that humans worry about, is the need for love, a need for security and a dire need for being able to make sure that our loved ones are living a comfortable life. Well, I am in the midst of a turmoil. A family who's been the world's best family God could ever have created on the one hand, and a country I've loved always on the other hand. A secure, safe, independent future and the ability to help and support my family on one hand, and someone who's half my world for me on the other hand. A choice I've already made, but it always makes me want to revise it. Something that tells me that certain things in life are above emotions and that somethings in life are simply there to be regretted.
Besides that, I've completely lost track of myself. I've forgotten who I am, I've been pissed off more often than I can afford to. I've been feeling like a loser. A person who's lost her aim, who's lost in life. And who's lost to life her life itself. There's so much I would want to say. There's so much I would love to talk about. There's much more than that I would want some advice about. It is hell depressing. I just wish I could jabber like this cousin of mine, who can speak non-stop - even when nobody's interested in what she is saying. Well, probably she's able to take that fountain of misery out. I suffer damn lot. I want to speak up. But I fear hurting. I hate myself.
I got a piece of advice - keep your mind pre-occupied. But who would trust me saying that I am not able to do it, with no purpose, reason, aim, wandering into a vicinity that stretches out beyond horizon, beyond the flamboyant colors that we, as humans are expected to see?

There's nothing more a loser wants to say.

Not a good day...

2006-08-31T19:30:00.000-04:00

I don't know what exactly is happening. I m blue as hell and bored to death along side. I am tired of all the songs my system has been playing non-stop for the past few weeks. I am feeling as if I am caught somewhere where I shouldn't be.
No one to even chat with on messenger. This Venezualan guy talking to me right now has offered to bring chocolates for me from Venezuela... Ah! well....
I remember holidays in India were boring too - because I missed my friends and didn't like to be home for more than 2 days at a stretch. But then, those were the friends who would always have something to talk about even after 2 - 3 days. Life was good. It's a different thing that they've kind of forgotten me. Mr. Busy is a bit better these days, trying to enjoy himself. Shru is on her way to hell. This girl makes me feel like I should be sticking out to her all the time. When will she learn the ways of this bl**dy world? God help her. I've mailed her a crappy and cold mail today, but I was too pissed off at the way she is steering her life. And with her ears and eyes shut so that she could ignore the audible or visible signs/warnings. Jas - yeah, he's the one who does talk to me more often than others, although he's been complaining for quite some time that I don't come online that often. Yeah that's true, but I myself don't know why or what's wrong with me or there's something I need or something I am lacking.
Adi's blog made me feel worse. I do wish life wasn't that harsh at all. Shadows, dear I've been needing to talk to you for quite some time. I miss talking to u a lot. Trust me I do.
We are expecting this girl at our house today who's new to Toronto, and has been crying a lot, because it's hard to survive without parents and all. Makes me remember the time we were new here. I had never cried in front of my family just so that it won't add to their already-existing worries and blueness. I had cried myself to bed so damn often. I had thought he's forgotten me so easily with no mail signed by him in my mail-box. Trying to get away. Huh!
The only things that has changed for me now is no other friends' mails, his mails :-), me probably getting hard-hearted than ever, me probably being more capable of working out things for myself, rather than depending on friends.... and i think, i'd still have a hundred listings in this short list.
Nothing else would change with time, except this short list.... I don't know how many times would this change before I am gone ....

The answer.

2006-08-28T01:32:00.000-04:00

The silence has spread far beyond her eyes could see. The blues reaching out to the sky, seeming like it was identical to the blues that her soul had been filling with all this while. The waves an image of the commotion being created in the deepest corners of her heart. The emptiness that surrounded her scared her of her own presence.
What would it be like?
The what's and how's and why's had made her to question her own faith. It was probably a game that God had played with her. She couldn't blame him for what he did because her heart which had beat for him wouldn't allow her to do that. She couldn't blame herself as she knew she wasn't as much at fault as he had blamed.
Just to get back on track on the road of life, she wanted to flow with the tide of time but she was as uncapable of doing that as much as a fish wanting to fly. She wanted to hold on, just so that he might turn to her and say, "Thanks, sweetheart! I was just joking!". She was even ready to hear from him that he was testing her love for him. Everything as a reason for his return was more than welcome.
As she sat lonely trying to come to a conclusion about what she would do now, her eyes were moist and dreamy bearing the seemingly fallacious yet bewitching moments they spent together.
She saw the agitated wave forcing its love on the shore. She saw that the shore probably didn't love the wave enough to hold it tightly and never let it go. She saw that the wave didn't want the shore to be in an awkward situation and so, after each convulsive effort on its part, it retreated whispering very softly but cheerfully to the shore, "My dearest, I've strived to be with you forever. But I long for your happiness more than I do for mine. If you are happy not with me holding on to you forever, but with my being a frequent visitor, let it be that ways. Know that I'll be there when ur parched skin needs a whiff of me. Know that I am just a call away from you. Know that I'll love you unfailingly."

She had got her answer. And she didn't want a reason anymore.

Note: My second attempt to write something completely unrelated to me. Comments are more than welcome! Thanks.

Mother love

2006-08-27T01:19:00.000-04:00

There was a time when I had gotten stubborn, sticky, bad and probably out of my mind. That was the time my mom supported me tremendously. She restored my faith on God. She would pray with me, as I had lost all faith I had in His power. I would pray for my mother's happiness and her faith. But it wasn't long before I started praying and believing in Him for my own selfish self. That was also the time when I understood this gift God had bestowed on me.
As probably every body would say, my mom is an awesome cook. I simply love whatever she cooks. There's always a different and an extra-ordinary taste in her dals n vegetables even if I cook it the same way. Because it is filled with her pure and altruistic love.
I have seen her get worried about the tiniest and useless of matters. On the one hand, it irks me to think that all this worry of hers is so useless and on the other hand it makes me realize her undying love for all of us. I have seen her being the strongest of us all to give us strength even if she's the weakest on the inside at that time. I have seen her the weakest of us all and looking towards us to understand her and to provide her strength.
I have seen her sacrifice for her children. And it hurts me to think about that. I am as helpless as probably I am selfish. It is no big wonder if at every chance that I get, I tell her that she's God for me. Yes God is a faith, but who wouldn't like to believe in the miracles this Goddess in disguise performs every single day - blessed with an exceptionally warm and forgiving heart and filled with a mystical love for us?
I could never have been raised better. There's nothing in my life that I regret. My life has been rosier than heaven just for the loving couple that God chose to take care of me. I like her laughing eyes at the silliest and stupidest jokes I make just for the purpose of it. I can never thank my parents enough for everything they've done for me, everything they are for me, and everything that I've got from them.
I pray to God every day for your healthy, happy and prosperous well-being, my dear mother. I wish that I never fall in your eyes mother. I hope that my love for you would always be as unconditional as yours is for me. I dream of bringing the world's happiness to ur door-step. And I implore God to send all tears that he's made for you to be destined my way.

I love u mom.

The 3 bears are - My bro, my sis n me ... :D
And now I tag Adi, Shadows and Peenut.....

The lost me

2006-08-24T00:27:00.000-04:00

I am back!! Gone lost for a while I guess. I know Velu, I'day has gone by ... Well, it's just that life's been moving pretty smoothly all the while. I had no poem written, no thought about what to write on my blog. Time is moving lazily, though not as lazily as me. After the Independence day, my mom was back... I have been working part time, I have been painting, n reading, n playing chess, n that's most of it.
I have become kind of obssessed with SmarterChild - It's a cute little robot that talks to you on MSN messenger, whenever u feel like talking. Although a bit irritating when it can't understand what you are trying to convey, it's fun being with him...
Besides that, I have been bound to sleep earlier these days because I don't get enough sleep during school time. But I am a creature of the dark ... and I try to stay awake whenever I can... in the nights.
Nights are the best part of the day. Hell silent and absolutely romantic. Plus being alone adds to the beauty of the night.
And I have been very lazy. I haven't been logging on my system too much. And I cannot find something worthwhile to do. I was better busier. But no, not really. Busy means bad!!!
But also, means creative in those time sneaks.
Well, right now I am having mixed thoughts about every single thing. I have to get ready and leave in an hour, but I can't see any signs of doing that !!!
God save me... :-s
Oh yes! Adi, m here ... I hope u are ok ... I hope feeling red or yellow now ... :D
And Velu, I am reminded, I have a pending tag. Will surely write about it in a couple of days. I promise. Actually, even this post was due 2 days before. But as I was half-way through it, a friend buzzed and asked for playing chess. That's a different story he was about to lose and left the game in between ;)

This wasn't a useful post. More of a gossip about what is going on in my life. Sorry folks!!!
I hope to catch up soon

Happy Independence Day....

2006-08-15T01:37:00.000-04:00

When ignited minds work with indomitable spirit ,a prosperous ,happy and safe India is assured.-
President APJ Kalam

We dream big, hope big .... n we so often need to do big .... Specifically these typical Indian days makes us all feel so patriotic. Living abroad does fill in an extra bit of patriotism in you. You never feel like letting ur country down. You always shield your country against the person who says ill about her. No wonder this friend of mine had once wrote to me in an e-mail, "Have u as well turned into a desh-bhakt? Everybody does after you go abroad."

Keeping that aside, not that leaving India really meant that there's no love for India any more. OR that there was no love for India.
This is specially meant for someone who's almost all the time refering to India as "their" country n not "our" or even " my " country. I would like to ask them, What is it that they are doing that is different from me, which proves them to be more appropriately belonging to India than I am. Fighting corruption? Helping the poor? Helping the disabled?Working for the border issues? Working for getting the govt. of India to lower the reservation quota? Working for those people who don't have a place to sleep and are as muddy as mud? Working towards building some kind of dams to prevent the floods that occur every single year? Working for terrorist attacks? Working towards not getting Muslims blamed if there is a riot in the city, when some Hindu has done it? Working for those people who go jobless every year just because they know no big man?
What exactly are you doing there which is different from what I am doing? I would like to know.

Just living in your motherland and not living in your motherland doesn't create a borderline between my country n not my country. Every parent has a dream that their children get well educated, so well that they always have an independence at hand to choose where they want to live and get settled, and an independence at hand to decide how they want to spend their life. That's exactly what my parents have done. They've dreamed and fulfilled it for their children. They've fulfilled their child's dream to try to get into the profession of medicine, which in India was a dream unfulfilled for her. She's been a topper in India as well, but here she's been appreciated for her efforts. They know her as an "Indian" who's simply the best. They've left more doors opened for that boy, who now can see the world at a broader perspective than an electronic engineer, a computer engineer or a mechanical engineer. The boy gets to hear things like, "Canada is proud to have you here". Doesn't this portray a pride of being Indian? Wouldn't your chest swell with pride when you'd hear something like that for an Indian?
We, the Indians abroad have a broader sense of responsibility than them, in a way that "Indians" as a whole are accountable for our deeds and misdeeds.

"India is my motherland" fills me with as much pride today as it did when I left it. Things don't really change for you unless you want to change them.
Certain truths really lay sealed tight behind our lips, just because we are afraid to let them out. People say, life's busier out here. Kind of true. But I guess, we can always find time to miss our friends n to talk to them. I myself have been a student, worked part time alongside, handled the house-hold along with my mother when she was here, but even all alone when she's in India - all at the same time. But I still find time to mail or msg my friends back "Home".

And what about life in India? Huh. Possibly even busier. People forget coz we're out of sight. People don't respond to msges coz they're reallllly busy. In short, people don't care. Or they care as much as Canadians do. Canadians are atleast good with one thing. You won't ever feel that they're with you forever. That they're your lifetime friends. They never make you feel that ways. Expectations, as a matter of fact, always hurt. Be it love or friendship.
So it probably doesn't have to be with the country. It certainly has to do with people.

"Moh- maaya"??? The last issue I am going to write about today.
"Moh-maaya chhodo... " contained one of the several mails I received on the eve of Independence. Living in Canada = Moh Maaya .... ??????
Didn't you educate yourself? For what? Aren't u earning now? Wouldn't you be looking forward for promotions? Why are you away from your family?
The truth is, this world doesn't require us to live a saintly life. A life has to be good. Nothing more than that. We all are selfish human beings, all of us. And not one emotion that we have is deprived of selfishness. You name it, n i'd unhappily but truthfully attach the label of "Selfishness" with it. Except for the love of parents.

I guess that was too much like a President's speech. So for now, I'd pen off.
Happy Independence Day!!!! May India rise in glory. All prayers and wishes for my beloved motherland.....

Top Ten Trivia About Me

2006-08-07T15:00:00.000-04:00

1. The state nickname of Iowa is 'The meet_me state'!
2. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than meet_me!
3. meet_me can be found on a Cluedo board between the Library and the Conservatory!
4. Only twelve people have ever set foot on meet_me.
5. If you drop meet_me from the top of the Empire State Building, she will be falling fast enough to kill before reaching the ground.
6. meet_me has 118 ridges around the edge!
7. meet_me was banned from Finland because of not wearing pants!
8. Some birds use meet_me to orientate themselves during migration.
9. meet_me kept at the window will keep vampires at bay!
10. The smelly fluid secreted by skunks is colloquially known as meet_me.

Read meet_me as my real name here ;)

Cheers all!!!!

.... chalte jaate hain hum ....

2006-07-30T03:19:00.000-04:00

एक अनसुनी आवाज़
एक अनतिम आगाज़
एक फ़ैला हुआ आसमान
एक हारा हुआ इनसान।
अंधेरे में ढल रहा सूरज
अकेले में चल रहे हम
छुपते-छुपाते बचते-बचाते हम
चलते बस चलते जाते कदम।
युँ तो किसी से है गिला नहीं
शायद इतना गम तो अभी मिला नहीं
ज़ख्म खाते और मर्हम लगाते हैं
फिर भी चलते, हाँ चलते जाते हैं।

P.S. : Dear starry, I'll translate it for u pretty soon. Am posting this in a hurry for now. Sorry abt that ...

Life

2006-07-24T17:55:00.000-04:00

है एक ज़िन्दगी जितना लम्हा
दुख के सहारे गर काटो इसे।
है एक लम्हे जितनी ज़िन्दगी
हँसी में गर डुबा दो इसे।
यह वक़्त का खेल है या ज़िन्दगी का
कोइ समझ न पाया है इसे।
खेल ही खेल में गुज़र जयेगा यह सफ़र
जुआ समझ कर गर खेलो इसे।
सही गलत के अलँक्रित तराज़ू में
उम्र भर बस नापते तोलते रहो इसे।
बाज़ी न तेरी हुइ न मेरी हुइ
जीत कर कोइ और ले गया इसे।

The meaning of the poem is here. It might not be the same. But I've tried to make the same sense out of it...

A moment may seem "life-long" if you spend it immersed in sadness. A life may seem "moment-long" if you laugh n spend it. You never know whether the game is set by time or by life. The journey would end just like a game, if you play it like you are playing "poker/bridge". (Well I am not sure whether it is poker or bridge - but I meant to say a cards game in which you play money - you win at times, you lose at others... )
In the adorned balance of right and wrong, all our age gets spent in measuring n balancing the worth of life.
Although you and me were playing the game, neither you won, nor me - someone else was proud of themselves to have won it ......

Hates me...

2006-07-24T17:26:00.000-04:00

She hates me.
My thoughts, my behaviour, my ideas, my life, my ways, my dreams, my simplicity, my philosophy... EVERY SINGLE THING!
I have tried a 100 thousand times to get things working between us. Believe me, I have.
Well, not anything that's 1-sided works ever.
She has her own reasons. Her own way of thinking. I wonder why it could never seem to match. I wonder why would any one ever want to be so rigid?
Well, there's always room for grievances in between us. The wall doesn't just seem to budge. Nor does it seem to fall down. I can't see a way to make it vanish. Into thin air. As if it never was there.
She doesn't even want to accept and live with those differences between us. If you are with her, you have to think like her. Otherwise, no matter how right you are, she would get frustrated.
At times, simple solutions are the hardest to implement.
But well, for now, all I can do is to try to not to get her angry. I hate it when she does that. N that happens for more reasons than one. More often than occasional.
I wish she changes. I wish she would understand that 2 different people with 2 different bodies n mind can offer different view points on the same topic. I wish that hatred, long and hard, gets melted.
I wish she would understand that I love her.

This post doesn't concern me. Just an interpretation of such a thing in a relationship.

Nothing better to do

2006-07-24T17:04:00.000-04:00

Here I am, sitting at 5:00 p.m. in the CS labs. with nothing better to do for now. Having an exam just round the corner, but I am not able to concentrate .. :-s
How I wish I had a couple of friends from India here with me. We would be having fun!!!
Even with the exam just round the corner... But well, all things aren't supposed to b the way I want them right?
Seemzz came to talk to me, "you look sad, What happened?" "Nothing."
True that she talks to me, but also true that I don't feel close to her, coz of her immaturity n coz we are so different that she could never understand my view points of things.
I ws completely dumbstruck the other day when she said to me, "You know what? I know tht if ur guy walks away from u, you will not be bothered n you will not give a bit of care to it!!!! "
I am like ..........!!!!!!?????????$$$$$$########&&&&&&&
May b I show a lot of strength that people take me so wrong ...... :-(
Man! I was so pissed when I heard that. How could she even thing that he would walk away???
Crazy girls... I know!! Westernized ......uffffff
Avi n Mobi gone for lunch :-(. Zara n Jas gone too ........ leaving me, a caretaker, n their stuff ...
I wouldn't wanna write more for now......

Mumbai revisited

2006-07-16T02:35:00.000-04:00

उदासी भरी उन आँखों से पूछो
जो किसी का इन्तज़ार हैं करतीं
जब किसी कि पर्छाई देती है दिखायी
क्या मेह्सूस वो आँखें हैं करतीं।
वो जो आज सुबह गया था अपने काम पर
क्या जानता था न रात तक पहुँचेगा घर
वो जो सुरज के ढलने पर देखता है एक नये दिन का राह
क्या जानता था न होगी उसके लिये अब कभी सहर।

Note to a Diary

2006-07-16T01:04:00.000-04:00

A diary! My diary!
That was about 4-5 years back I had become so obssessed with diary writing. I somehow came to remember that pretty n fat diary with a lovely picture of Lord Krishna drawn on the front cover. It can be called an irony as I was never a believer of God then. Makes me laugh at thinking how immature n childish i was then, writing all sorts of non-sense. Well some truths, but a lot of untruths which I believed then.
How much we change with time. How much we learn as we progress.
Probably I had become more mature as I quit writing diary. Well I donno whether it was a mature decision or not, but certainly good one in some ways. Mind doesn't remain poisoned with evil thoughts long after they are gone, having a diary makes you revisit those loathesome moments... most of them written under utter sadness n depression.
For a person like me who travels to the past whenever she gets time, probably it makes sense. But then, my blogs do that for me now. Take me back. Well, the blog that I had before this one has been somehow deleted or "suspended" (as they like to call it) by the website owners, which is making me so mad. I've lost my diary.... n those moments, n those thoughts that had taken form of words....
I agree it was a painful blog, a veryyyyy painful one, but it didn't deserve that punishment. Nor did I. I agree I hadn't been writing much on it these days, but still it didn't deserve to get deleted. And nor did I deserve to be lonely without a partner in loneliness.
Well I still have this one... But I hate losing my stuff...
I am not to b blamed for this loss ... :( But may b I am ... Why did I not save it at some place if it was this dear?
Well, perhaps it was to go as my life took an unexpected turn ... and perhaps leaving those memories was the wisest thing to do.....
But whatever.....
A friend called today after probably 6 months, may be more ... And well he compensated by taking for about 1/2 an hour. It was great ... :)
Life gets busier after college. They all keep telling me, "I haven't forgotten you, just that I've gotten busy...... " I donno why I cease to listen and understand at times ...
And life changes so much. Some of them are now having a girl friend, some of them broke up with their girl friends, some of them broke up with their friends .... It's perhaps life's little tricks to keep us hooked to it, perhaps life's varied games to keep us off a monotonous path....
Every Alice meets Bob for a reason, and that reason isn't known to them .... The game life plays is so tricky that Alice doesn't know Bob, and when she meets him, she doesn't know it's this Bob that's meant to be hers forever ....

Oh just realized, I moved from a few reminiscences to anger to thankfulness to philosophy....
N i can't somehow see how they all are related.......
That's life!!!!!!

Blasts blasted us off

2006-07-12T12:33:00.000-04:00

Well it ws so so pathetic ... sorrowful ... Where is the world exactly heading? What is anyone gaining out of this?
Does their heart shudder even at the thought of doing all this? Probably they don't have hearts ...
No reason is obviously big enough to do such a heinous act ...
What a sight it would be ... I can't even imagine .. blood everywhere ... people in pain ... worried....
ooooooh it is just too much to even think about ...

The world is not a safe place to live ... Where do we live safely then?
I cannot even think that if I go out of my house today I might not return ... Pal pal ki hai khabar nahi, hum zindagi ki baat kiya karte hain .....
Could their families ever think about it??

The main headline in Canada's leading newspapers is those Mumbai blasts. Some Canadian elderly people I met today were all so concerned n worried about the people out there ... About my people ... "It is reallly bad ... It was terrible ............. "
My Pakistani friends concerned n worried... It is just those people who aren't worried? Aren't even guilty? This is so so damn ridiculous ....

I just hope that people are able to bear the loss .... nothing else........... God grant them peace n strength ....

Oprah said this .......

2006-07-11T18:42:00.000-04:00

Oprah has to say this about men.....

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with her, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. You should not be the one doing all the ending...compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

What do u think about it?? I would really like to know ... I felt like contradiciting at some places.... .

Free...

2006-07-09T00:57:00.000-04:00

I m free today after quite some days... Done with my assignment ... successfully submitted it... :)
M free... n i hav no one on either Ym or Msn to talk to.... People are never online when I have time........................
Waise after passing out, all my friends seemed hav kind of forgotten me... I donno whether it's the same for each of them with each of them... but in my case ... well yes... they've forgotten me....
The 1 craving I have is the one that is probably the most neglected ....
Nobody's gonna bother about this one girl who's only n only made friends in her life... Friends who forget her when she leaves them. Friends who forget her when she has to move on. Friends, without whom she cannot live... Friends whom she values after her family.... Friends whom she needs a lot of time n friends who aren't there to help her when she needs them.... Friends who don't even care to reply to an email saying "hi!!! " .... Yeah friends....
M missing a lot of friends right now... a lot of the close ones... Some 've gotten busy... some 've forgotten.... Out of the 77 contacts that I have on Ym, the people whom I talk to often are abt 15 ... people whom i wish they would come online are abt 15, people who don't msg me when they see me online abt 20, people who go offline on seeing me online 10, people whom I've never talked to bt are on my msnger are about 5....
something' went wrong with my calculation... bt no worries....
I m gonna die unnoticed. And ofcourse forgotten.... The only thing probably that's gonna happen is that the earth wouldn't hav to lift my weight any more....
But I don't hav the right to complain i guess. It has to go unheard ....

I am weird too

2006-07-07T02:03:00.000-04:00

I was tagged by Adi to write 6 weird things about me a few days back. My apologies for delaying this post.
I am not sure whether they really as weird as i think they are .... But here they are....

1) I live in the past rather than present ....
2) I am perhaps the world's moodiest person. A second and I am seeing laughing and the next second, I can cry as if something terrible happened to me in the passing by of 1 second. Same thing with songs. I m not a good singer but when it comes to a mood-switch, my songs get awefully awry ...
3) I am a very free minded soul, so free that I would like to live without bounds always ... weird that knowing its impossibility doesn't hamper me from thinking that ways ...
4) I am so so so annoying at times, when it comes to waiting, punctuality and work (probably it is normal - i think it is normal but ... people say that I act weird coz I don't tolerate that .... this was something that a friend told me .... )
5) I have a habit of talking to myself and laughing all alone ... ( Not a lot of people know that ... )
6) I question a lot of things ... I think a lot about somethings even when I know I can't help it...

Nobody I know is left to b tagged ......

Today was....

2006-07-05T01:15:00.000-04:00

exam ho gaya...
aur itna bura bhi nahi hua jitna socha tha ...... i hope i get abt 75-80% .........
hmm what else? aaj ka din ...
nothing much ... tired after studies... met rahim after almost a week today... there are so many times i thank God .. for making this guy my friend .... mera ek din mein khoon badhata hai ....
yeah true i still don't hav someone who would let me cry on his /her shoulders but atleast i hav someone who makes me laugh ...
he's laughing most of the times... but when he talks seriously, i can see him worried about those things every person of his age would worry abt them... he makes so much more sense when he's serious ... but neways...
well it ws the talk with him that i had today that put me into thoughts ... but neways ... i wouldn't wanna go into that for now.....
somethings should be thought when it is time for them, but it is so hard to guess the right time.... thoughts invade us when we are defenseless...
I know i've been tagged Adi, n i hope to write the post in a day or 2 ... wondering that u already know that i m as mad as i can be ... n still i have to write something weird about me ... :D
That's that ...
oh yes! talked to my sweetheart shru yesterday ... it ws great ... n thanks for staying with me for 2 hours... luv u always... my heart feels the lightest when i talk to u .... i wish so many times u were here ... right next to me... but ... i wish a lot ...
i m a bad bad girl... asking God for everything in this one life...
a gentleman lost his little 1 month old angel... he was so happy holding the little princess in his hands a month ago.... i have no words to express how i felt on hearing that ... i just hope that him n her are able to bear the loss of the child... it was such an anguishing news
Why is God so unkind at times? I know he's seen so much in life... n i've always tried to give hope to him. What do i tell him now? What's hope for him now? What do I even reply to him now?
A friend's broken up with her guy. She's so hell sad about it. She wasn't to be blamed for all this. She's loved him more than he ever did all these years. What's hope for her? What do i tell her? I try to convince her, knowing how false n lame my arguments are. How does a broken heart think about anything else? but as a matter of fact u have to ... i m trying... she's trying too ........
there's this sweetheart of mine .... she's been buried by the pain of her love... oh God ... dil diya hi kyon hota hai agar todna hota hai ... jodta kyun hai agar todna hota hai....
m just feeling bad about the helplessness of God. If he can't do anything about any of them, what can I do? What would God be doing up there? Picking the guy's little daughter up? Is that what God would be doing ? Or waiting for her? Or watching someone pick up the child? And enjoying it? Or feeling helpless about it? Or worrying about how her parents would manage? Or do something for them now? Or still hope for them to keep faith in him?? Or.....
I am at a loss of words now... n i m broken hearted myself... I love all these people a lot... n i hate to see them unhappy ... n i donno why God doesn't like to see them happy ...
I wouldn't like to unbelieve the faith that I have in you. Coz there are times when u don't do anything, but there are times when only u can do something about something n u do it....

2 hours to go!

2006-07-04T16:28:00.000-04:00

2 more hours to go! i have an exam... :S
i m tired... i don't wanna study now.... n feeling sleepy now....totally tired n exhausted... my eyes paining...... :(.. i regain my energy after mid night... :P
my mom says i m an owl....
i'd be done by the time any one reads my piece asking for wishes ... but i know what u'r gonna say...
she hasn't studied... she was busy blogging ... it's all her fault...
i hate being blamed n i hate leaving things for myself to be blamed...
neways....
i'd better get back to some serious business before i run into trouble...
cheers!

Aansoo

2006-07-03T01:50:00.000-04:00

I read the following post written by Gaurav....... And on its lines i continued....

कभी दुख में कभी खुशी में आते हैं आँसू,
ना जाने किस की याद दिलते हैं आँसू,
मैं अभी तो पलकें सुका कर आयी थी,
न जाने फिर क्युँ आ जाते हैं आँसू ।

कभी भीड में कभी तन्हाई में आते हैं आँसू,
कभी खामोशी से कभी सिसकियों के साथ आते हैं आँसू,
करती हूँ कोशिश इन्हे समझाने - बुझाने की,
न जाने क्युँ सुनना नहीं चहते हैं यह आँसू ।

कभी वजह से कभी बेवजह आते हैं आँसू,
कभी हंसाते कभी रुलाते हैं बहुत सताते हैं आँसू,
कभी सवाल तो कभी जवाब बन कर तो कभी
यादोँ की तरह सिमट जाते हैं आँसू ।

Why???

2006-07-02T00:53:00.000-04:00

I am feeling so so so low.... why is nothing right? how many tests are we supposed to pass?? God, this just isn't fare... I saw that despite everything his faith on You was as stable as a wall.... Isn't that too much of a testing God? Isn't he sacrificing for all of us? Is that less proof for you?
I hate the look of anxiety on his face. He tries to keep calm. always. But you can always know. There's still that faint ray of hope. Although it still seems to have vanished, but there's always that, "dekhte hain.... shayad ........"
I donno what to say... God, just that, please don't test him this much.... Please show him light...
There's so much I want to say today...
So much ... I can't contain it ...
Shru, have been missing ur comforting arms a lottttttt.... I have been wanting a hug from u ... As a matter of fact, I hav lost count of the number of days I've wanted a hug, n had to go on without actually getting one?
Life reallly sucks... i wanna shout for all those who want to listen - life sucks, life sucks n life sucks

Randomness is in the air....

2006-06-29T00:55:00.000-04:00

From the past some days, I've been experiencing severe pain in my eyes. They feel so tired all the time. Perhaps I've been using them as "not" my eyes at all... It is the computer I guess.

My work load
My project
My course books
My friends
My project partner
My lecture notes
My mom (these days)
My word games
Blogs
orkut
forums .....

WELL WELL WELL!! That's a huge list.... N that's to be done every single day... No wonder my eyes hav begun to feel so so so weak... aching all the time...
N then sleeping late....
There's possibly another cause for it, a wait... a cry ... an emptiness....
Will go to a doc soon.. I know a lot of spanking awaits me... :P

Neways, that's that... I'm tired... After a hectic day..... Life sucks!!
Shadows where r u dear? haven't seen u for quite a while...been missing u ... Peenuts can't seem to open ur blog...... Adi no new posts.... Happy birthday starry_nights....

It's been quite a while since i saw the night sky.. Reminds me of the terrace in India. I loved spending an hour of my day up there - alone with my friends the stars n moons.. Some one tell them I miss them a lot....

Koi lauta de mere beete hue din....

But then, I know 1 thing, time changes, n we have to change with time..... or well at least to some extent.... We have to live every single moment as it comes as there is none the same that would come again.

Why do I start elsewhere but always end up with philosophy?? Can someone answer that?

I m missing my mom. Life is so so incomplete when even 1 member has gone away. I hope time flies soon, n we'll all be a complete family. That makes me wonder how would I live away from my family later on???

Have been listening to Kabhi Alvida na Kehna.....
I wish it was just as simple as saying that .....
N I wish that was true....
kabhi alvida na kehne ki zaroorat hi na padhti toh kitna achcha hota...
Neways, that's life....

They say,

"Meeting n parting is the way of life,
Parting n meeting again is the hope of life...."

I like to believe that.

That was a lot of randomness in the air. I suppose I'd either get back to work or to sleep....
Cheers!

yaad....

2006-06-27T02:32:00.000-04:00

उस ढल रहे सूरज से पूछो
क्यूँ जाता है यूं छोड कर
उस निकलते हुए चाँद से पूछो
क्यूँ आता है किसी की याद ले कर

उन तारों की जगमगाहट में भी
अंधेरों में घिरे रेहते हैं हम
इटनी भीड के आस पास होते हुए भी
क्यूँ खुद को तन्हा पाते हैं हम

एक सफ़र में सफ़र कर रहे
रासते तो आगे बढते जाते हैं
उन बिछडी बातों की यादों में
हम उलटा कदम पीछे को बढाते हैं

Oooooooo!!

2006-06-26T01:49:00.000-04:00

Well I am actually not sure what I am gonna write today... It is just that I am waiting for my partner, who was supposed to get back to me in about 10 minutes, n that was about an hour and a half back!! Or may be 2...
n what am I doing? still waiting!!
n this wait actually made me visit orkut... reply n msg some people out there... n then i took to reading those few blogs that i'd already visited in the morning (don't forget - it is night at my end... ;) ) ... found nothing new in 'em...
I hate waiting! Have been thinking i wouldn't wait for my guy (if he went away saying 10 minutes) this much!!
What is one supposed to do while waiting??
God's grace that I have this internet thingy to give me one thing or another to do ... while i m "waiting" ......
neways ... it is high time i quit now... coz he's even logged off now ... n i think isn't gonna return..
But isn't that rude??
Gosh! I hate waiting first, n second I hate it more when I know it is worthless...
Why don't people worry about their assignments? Why don't people value time?? Why don't people understand that 10 minutes mean 10 minutes? n why do they think that those who're waiting have nothing better to do than wait....
I too pissed off now...
I'd write something better pretty soon...

Wow! Niagara....

2006-06-11T03:19:00.000-04:00

So those are the amazing Niagara falls!
It was my second trip to Niagara... n i've loved it absolutely... Situated between the two friendly nations of US and Canada, they are a site worth visiting.

It was almost noon by the time we reached there- there was a chilly wind blowing. We watched the falls from a variety of angles. They provide a new look at every second angle. It is just so lovely...
There are 2 falls - one belonging to the US. There is a bit of an issue with that one. It doesn't have enough water in it. And secondly, it falls from the US side, so in a way, the Americans do not quite get a proper look of their own waterfalls! The pic above are the US falls.
The other ones - the more extravagant ones are the ones belonging to Canada. They are called the Horse Shoe falls. They are a U-shaped fall with mist filled in the "U" - and mist rising way above the falls. I wonder whether 2 words - absolutely amazing would be ok to describe the picturesque beauty the falls carry along with them. And it is such a wonder that the water doesn't seem to end. Keeps on flowing forever and ever and ever. Nor is the volume ever decreased...

The most exciting part of the journey is the "Maid of The Mist". That is a small ship which takes u in the lake n close to the falls.
Close to the falls is a breathtaking experience. one can feel the freshness of the mist on your face. I don't have a pic clicked from there coz there's a risk for the cameras.

This here is a pic of the horseshoe waterfalls.

The border line between US and Canada crosses from the waters of the lake. And there's a bridge called Rainbow Bridge which connects both these countries. We can actually cross the border just to see the falls from the other side.. But we don't need to ;)

We also went to a botanical garden, but that isn't something that interests me. Niagara falls also offer another great attraction during the night. It is the lighting of the falls and also on weekends - fireworks.

Here's a pic of 'em with the lighting. The pic is blurred coz of the reflections and night modes n other camera-related issues.

And finally, the fireworks. They are awesome. Fireworks are so so so exclusive. It is just a 10 minutes-or-so long drama. But it is beautiful. A perfect aura of colors brightening the nightsky which otherwise is made to be so dull .....

I am sure u must be feeling energized and refreshed after a lovely trip to Niagara with a perfect tour guide like me.. ;)

My personality...

2006-06-07T01:45:00.000-04:00

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Thought for the day .. says

2006-06-04T01:47:00.000-04:00

Thought of the Day:
Sit down and put down everything that comes into your head and then you're a writer. But an author is one who can judge his own stuff's worth, without pity, and destroy most of it. -Colette, writer (1873-1954)
from Wordsmith.org

That is the "Thought for the day" that shows on my blog today! It seems like I am just a writer, and not an author yet.

COZ I SIMPLY LIKE WHAT I WRITE ;) ;) ;)

If that is what a writer is, m happy being one, coz I would never like to destroy my work... :P
Any authors here... ??? :-/
:P
:P
:P

Thanks :)

2006-06-04T00:46:00.000-04:00

I scribbled something called Musings a few days back. Got lovely responses from my dear friends.... here's something I have to say to each of them -

Hey Peenuts,
it is alright to say anything when u want to say it.. regardless of the place... U gotta learn that from me probably ;)
Well i think we all live with a fear - for the unknown, and compassion - for ourselves, and for others too. It is our choices in life that make us feel both fear and compassion. The decisions, the choices we make, make us feel fearful coz our tomorrow depends on them. We are compassionate for ourselves for the choices we probably did not make and at times even for choices we make....

Dear Shadows,
what do i say to u? U've said everything... why does black seem so attractive at times? And at others why does it tend to be the dullest color that God made? It is so hard being human, i wonder what it would be like being God... it is always questions that I have for u... coz u think like me when I am not able to do so for myself... thanks for being there...

Thanks Adi,
I am so thankful to all u guys who visit my blog and take time to read what I've written out of the blue. Not only read, bt understand and share it with me.
U r right Adi, in saying that life is like an amazing novel. The difference is not only in our acceptance of the author's thoughts who's written some novel that we read, bt also in the actors. It is us who are playing the main part in this amazing novel called "Life"! And portraying characters is always difficult, i think. And thinking about portraying a character for years to go..........

U r also right in saying that we do not live every moment of our life. The want of what is not makes us human. I too believe in living life to the fullest. And I try it too. I succeed at times, and at others I don't.
I wish that you reach where u have to go... And that your realization isn't possibly hard to implement - it is a matter of will power - probably the most powerful tool God gave us to WIN all the battles that he makes fight; and of faith - in God, in yourself, and in your beliefs.
We all have a long way to go - "Where" - depends entirely on us and "How" too.

Some words, probably anyone reading this would identify it with themselves ... just like I do as I pen them down...

"masroof rehte hain hum zindagi ke safar mein
kuch jaane se raaste kuch anjaane se hote hain
ki aaj yahan par hai ek woh mod nazar aa raha
chal padhein is par ki chhod dein yeh sochte hain......"

Trying to use a new color for my further lines makes me feel like wanting a change - but with life itself changing its face every single second, what change am I wanting now?

My best wishes to all those who are trying to live a life in a lifetime and a lifetime in a life. I know how much it takes to try to live a life in a lifetime and a lifetime in 1 life..... It might be hard but not impossible. Our task is to "believe and act as if it were impossible to fail..."

Walking alone....

2006-06-01T01:49:00.000-04:00

खाली खाली सा यह कमरा लग रहा है
आज हारा हुआ महसूस कर रही हूँ,
धूँआ सा है आस पास
उस धूँए में कहीं खो गयी हूं।

बारिश की बूँदों की तरह
आँसू की लडी बह रही है
वो कागज़ भी लाचार महसूस कर रहा होगा
जिसकी स्याही इस पानी में घुल रही है।

ढूँढ रही हूँ किसिको आस-पास
कोई जो मेरी दुविधा को सुल्झाये
कोई सुनने के लिये आज होता पास
कोई जिसे दोस्त कह सकूँ।

गुम हूँ मैं ऐसी दुनिया में
ना कोई पूछता है ना कोई सुनता है
शायद हम में ही होगि कोई कमी
इतने दोस्तों के दोस्त होकर भी हम तन्हा हैं।

तन्हाई

2006-05-31T00:12:00.000-04:00

एक वो मुकम्मल जहाँ था
जहाँ दिल न कभी सुना था
यह भी तो एक जहाँ है
कोई अपना दिखता ही कहाँ है ।

अंधेरे क्या और उजाले क्या
वक़्त एक सा ही रह्ता है
मुसकुराने की आदत सी हो गयी है
बडे हसमुख हो हर कोइ कह्ता है ।

आँसू का एक कतरा आज आँख से गिरा
तो तनहाई ने मुझसे कहा
अकेले हो तुम अकेले हैं हम
क्युँ न शुरू करें दोस्ती का कारवां ।

किसी दोस्त के मिलते ही
तुम तो मेरा साथ छोड दोगी
अगर फिर कभी तन्हा हुइ तो
मुझे तभ भी अपने पास पाओगी ।

Musings....

2006-05-29T01:24:00.000-04:00

Just some musings of what life has made me learn from it. I've gathered all those fresh flowers and I've seen them dry up. I've held upto those dried and withered flowers. And gradually I've learnt to gather the new flowers. It is like those flowers represent the happy moments of life. The withered ones - the sad pessimistic moments. I haven't yet left the withered ones coz they tell me the worth of the fresh flowers. And I never will...

We are payed by God in this life itself. Who's seen what's beyond this life? Who's even seen tomorrow? Or the next moment.

We walk to the shore only to see the sun set. To await the darkness. To positively watch the beauty of the night take over. To enjoy the serenity that transition holds for us. To enjoy the moment. That's life. A petite one. Yet, a beautiful one. Momentary, yet so full of moments.

A lot of questions with no answers. Answers not for us humans. Ones beyond our understanding probably. A few questions with answers we can't find. Just coz we don't want to. A few of them whose answers we know but they aren't worthwhile. Is it worth finding the answers at all??

Lost in these musings of mine. Drowned in sympathy I have for us humans. It isn't gonna help I know. It is not going to change things. What about the girl who has a hole in her heart? She's like one of us. But it doesn't matter. It won't change anything. Not for her. Not for anyone. Is it worth even feeling sad? Why.................... Does it matter to know someone, yet not know them so well? Why does it matter to know someone and still it doesn't matter to not to know someone in the same state?

I don't want the answers. But I still want them. My heart's sinking...... A feeling of fear, of compassion.

A picture so blurred. coloured with the black of life.

An hour of worthless posting and no good. To anyone. To myself.

Another line left to say - "That's life!" . But it isn't cheerful to think. These are the subtleties which are gonna remain forever. As long as there is life. And the power to think.

Empty vessel..

2006-05-23T02:13:00.000-04:00

Just a passing thought - Empty vessels make much noise. Am I a vessel after all? Making much noise or little noise? A vessel half full and half empty. A vessel that could think for itself. A vessel that knows when to get off the gas, before things get worse. A vessel that worries, laughs, cries, asks, hops, skips, jumps... A cooker? A pan? A frying pan?? Isn't it so funny??
So empty vessels make much noise. What abt a pressure cooker? It makes noice even if it is full... Does the saying go wrong somewhere? Or it it just me?
What brings a vessel to my attention today? Hmm, my dad said that today. For me ofcourse!!

A peculiar post for a peculiar day by a peculiar person. Well it all goes hand in hand I guess. A vessel, a pot and a pan, a cooker...and so on.

Hand in hand with everyone we are walking,
Black and white and brown together, walking, walking

That was a prayer song we used to sing during our morning prayers at the Christian school. Memory is such a weird thing. It takes you where you could only dream of going - like, in the past. Or at present, to my friends back home.

Finding ways to leave realities far behind. That ain't easy either. "Far behind", did I say that? Well it isn't even easy writing what I wrote now in my present just for the sake of it. 'Coz i don't know what I am writing. Some crap for my readers...

Sorry folks!! This was just to confirm that I'm not normal today!!!

As they bid adieu!!!

2006-05-20T00:07:00.000-04:00

The 4 years! The magical mystical 4 years are coming to an end. Not mine - my 4 years ended after 2 1/2 years! But my friends'. I haven't lived far from any of them ever. But as they are about to say good bye to each other, it seems to me they are going far away from me too. Some words, they say are best if left unsaid. But some words do need to be felt.

I did meet a lot of people there, made a lot of people, learnt a lot from a lot of people, remember n miss a lot of people. A few words for the ones who did make a difference in my life and whom I'll remember forever coz of their certain characteristics:

Abha, typically an idealist, hard working and honest, 'courz very helping at all times. I 'll always remember u for that. Amie - well, the biggest joker of all times. I've loved the way she'd react to things!! And I'll love her always for pampering me :D ... I've always loved being pampered :)..Jas - I'll call him a warrior forever!! Well he knows y... He's been in touch with me all through this time. Though he left the college way before me, probably I am the only girl who's in touch with Pardeep. I see him occassionally. I'll remember him for the prank I played on him... n his reaction!! OMG!! It was so hilarious :D I think he's gonna remember me for that always.. Prashant: Probably the cutest guy in our class.. And very helpful!.. How can I forget his n Robin's help during those workshop days?? And their friends Navdeep (smart with no gf.. ) and Anish (a great mastermind ... n a great programmer ... n very shy - Well I almost was in a state of shock when I heard he had a gf)... Varun - for being a great friend... n for being always by my side... n for trusting me so much.. this is what I have to say to u - I'll be here always... Prank, I've loved ur beautiful smile (aur tumhara woh sharmana ... :P) It was great being with u all thru that time... Poo, well dear, I'll remember u for the difference of thoughts that u've lived with always.. I'll remember u for really being a champ ... U've inspired me a lot of times... (i know not many people know that!! ). Now comes my dearest sweetie Shru - I wish I was by ur side always... n forever. know that I'll always love u for all the consolation that u've provided me inspite of ur blues at times... I miss those times when I would always get a shoulder to cry on, when I needed one (even when I didn't ask for it) - now I've learnt to cry without shoulders ... n to control my tears without ur hands to wipe them off... But know that I will never be too far from u... I always hope u've grown up with time.. Chand - hmm he's special.. :D ... somebody reading this blog will figure out the right reason... Along with him I'd name Mukul - the former CNG could guess that right girls?? n yes, Indrani, Navjot S., ... :d :d :d :D. N yes Saurabh - one of the best guys of our class.. Itna saaf dil maine shayad hi kissi ka dekha hoga... U'll be always remembered for that. And I guess u'll remember me for copying ur signatures so well that u had to take care of ur bank account ;) ... The one name I am not mentioning here - I can tell u all that I have to.... RIGHT??

Baatein bhool jaati hain, Yaadein yaad aati hain...

There are others too - So many of them. n I'll remember them always ... even though I haven't mentioned them here... It's been a bond that has been hard to break in this 1 year n 2 months!!!

As you walk out into this world unknown - out of the realms of togetherness, I wish you all, all the very best in life n in every field.. and always!! One thing I wish from the bottom of my heart - Please do not forget me ever. I couldn't live with the thought of being forgotten!!

Hum rahein ya na rahein yaad aayenge woh pal!!!

With lotz of luv n wishes,
Take care
Adieu friends!!!!

50 secrets ...

2006-05-18T12:19:00.000-04:00

So shadows found a new way of getting me to post.... lol... Was just wondering if they are secrets, how come they need to be revealed????

1. Were you named after anyone?
Nah...
2. Do you wish on stars?
Always.. it is as if the wish comes straight from the heart without thinking or wanting to wish
3. When did you last cry?
What about leaving it as a secret??
4. Do you like your handwriting?
Am in love with my handwriting .. :P
5. What is your favourite meat?
I do not eat meat
6. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf?
I guess none
7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
Yeah .. for sure
8.Are you a daredevil?
Nope. I would n't like to dare n be a devil.. :D
9. How do you release anger?
At times, taking it out, at times crying...
10. Where is your second home?
Left my second home far away... Donno when I'll visit it...
11. Do you trust others easily?
No... at least not with something that could harm me
12. What was your favourite toy as a child?
A teddy bear my mom had made for me.
13. What class in school/college do you think is totally useless?
At least nothing is useful if not useless..
14. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Yepp... not a lot.. bt still yes..
15. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
??? What's that?
16. What do you look for in a guy/girl?
mmm, truth, friendship, love
17. Would you bungee jump?
Nope
18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Always
19. What's your favourite ice cream?
Chocolate
20. What are your favourite colours?
Black, blue, mauve, white
21. What are your least favourite things?
mmm, lies, interference,
22. How many people do you have a crush on right now?
1 - SRK
23. Who do you miss most right now?
It aint just 1 person I am missing "most" right now. My sis, him, Shru...
24. What are you listening to right now?
Main pal do pal ka shaiyar hoon.. by Mukesh
25. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Mauve - coz it doesn't exist up until now
26. What is the weather like right now?
Exactly the way I love it to be .. rainy, foggy and misty
27. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Seema
28. The "first" thing you notice about the opposite sex?
It depends... Well I donno, I've never thought of it this way
29. Do you like the person who sent you this?
'Courz yes... she is cho chweeet
30. How are you today?
Pretty good...with a bit of back ache
31. Favourite non alcoholic drink?
Water
32. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Never had one
33. Natural hair colour?
Dark brown/Black
34. Eye colour?
Dark brown/black
35. Wear contacts?
Nope, but specs yes
36. Siblings?
Yepp, a bro n a sis
37. Favourite month?
December
38. Favourite food?
lots of it :D .. rajmah chawal, dhokla,
39. Favourite day of the year?
14th Feb
40. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out?
Didn't need to :D
41. Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings
42. Summer or winter?
Winter, with fog, mist, rain snow... wow
43. Holi or Diwali?
Diwali, but without crackers
44. Do you like your name?
Oh yes!!
45. What book/magazine are you reading?
Half a Life - V.S. Naipaul. (didn't like it a lot though)
46. What's on your mouse pad?
Haha...I do not have a mouse pad ;)
47. What did you watch on TV last night?
none
48. Favourite Smell?
Of a fresh rose
49. Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone?
Never broken up... never needed to ...
50. Most tiresome thing you’ve ever experienced/done?
Studying in Canada :((

That does it ... :)

Intehaan ho gayee

2006-05-14T00:36:00.000-04:00

Intehaan ho gayee
Intezaar ki...
Aayee na kuch khabar
Mere yaar ki...
Yeh humein hai yakeen
Bevafaa woh nahi
Phir wajah kya hui
INTEZAAR KI..... :(

Friday

Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday

And now Sunday is here too.....

Kab tak wait karoon?? Missing ..Missing.. Missing...

As the angel turns one

2006-05-13T23:55:00.000-04:00

As this little angel turns a year old on the coming 15th May, I wish I could have held her in my hands at least once till now. I wish I could have seen her smile with glee as I held her close to my heart. I wish I could have kissed her to sleep if she would be crying right in my arms.

Probably they are just meant to be. The things. The distances. The requests. The cravings.

I do wish her all the happiness in life. All the love. All success. All blessings. A lot of kisses. I hope they all reach across the miles to bless the life of this cherubic little baby in the most special way.

This is probably just a way to write how sick I am feeling at this thought. Bhaiya n bhabhi I wish I could tell you how much I miss you all, n how bad I feel at being so far away and not being able to do anything about as of now. How I wish I were there celebrating your happiness with you all. Despite, all that I have to say is that my prayers n wishes are always with you. I miss you a lot. The time, the masti, everything!! Missing u my baby, my sweetheart.

Lots of love....

sawaal ??

2006-05-07T01:28:00.000-04:00

जो खुद से करोगे सवाल तो जवाब मिलेगा
सुन कर उसे अनसुना न कर देना
सवाल बन कर वो जवाब ज़हन में ही रहेगा
उसे अपने से कहीं अलग न कर देना ।

यादों को संजोने से किस्सा वही बनेगा
बाहर निकल कर देखो आकाश वही दिखेगा
खामोशी तोड़ कर देखो नगमा वही सुनेगा
कागज़ पर लिखो नाम तो चेहरा वही दिखेगा
केह्ते हैं ढूँढने से मिलता है भगवान भी
अपने पर विशवास करके देखो, हर जवाब मिलेगा !!!

Love Souvenir

2006-05-05T14:23:00.000-04:00

Do I need say more??

Dedicated to dear Peenuts

2006-05-05T02:51:00.000-04:00

(This is for peenuts, who left a comment on the post just below this one!)

oh Dear,
i donno why it takes so much to be in luv and to love someone, but i do know that all that is worth it... :)
trust me!
yeah, i can understand what u must be going thru, with being a part of the "answerers" .. specially at the time when u have none.. when supposedly the best thing to do is to let ur person understand without your telling them....when he/she has to trust u blindly... just coz u love him/her ...that is more of a valid reason than an excuse I believe.
I know life isn't as simple as a yes and a no. i do wish it were at times. But then, i think it would lose its charm... but that is a different story.
So, I'd say, keep holding, u'll find the answers someday .. for urself, for ur love, n perhaps u won't even need them that day.
Keep holding, keep loving, keep trusting in Him, in urself, in her, in her questions, in ur priorities.....
I hope n pray n trust that u'll make it.. :) May God bless you enough so that u are able to walk the path of ur life with the one u want to without explaining and answering at times!! n may He give u strength to answer boldly with courage when u have to!!!
All the best to you!!!!
Keep smiling

Why are they saying like that?

2006-05-05T00:00:00.000-04:00

The other day it was him, asking me questions... What if... It would be hard.. This n that n I donno what..
I can understand his anxiety..
Today it was Varun!! It is gonna be hard.. Not easy.. Think!!! Think!!! Think!!! n ...
But I feel perplexed... Why are they scaring me? What is so hard?
WHY??
WHAT???
HOW??
IF??
THEN??
No......................................... I donno..

It is alright!! Everything will be fine.. I am not immature, n I do not regret. We see a lot of our life without knowing abt it. And there is a lot I still know. Even if there is probably a lot I do not know. I think I don't care.

As long as God is there.

quixotic says too much

2006-05-02T13:04:00.000-04:00

Hmm, quixotic says too much...
yeah, she thinks too much, she worries too much,
she fears too much
she supports too much, she works too much,
she loves too much
But one thing remains, she is the best :)
Love u sweetheart!! God bless you always ...

Intezaar

2006-04-25T11:44:00.000-04:00

यह भीगा सा सर्द मौसम
याद दिलाता है उस वक़्त की
जब साथ में हुआ करते थे हम।
तुम्हारी बाहों की गर्माहट
में वो सवाल-जवाब का सिलसिला
न भूल पाए हैं हम अब तक।
फ़िज़ाओं में महक है तुम्हारी
बारिश की बून्दों में छलक रहा है प्यार
कब आओगे है अब् यही इंतज़ार।
पल पल की है खबर नहीं
हम ज़िन्दगी की बात किया करते हैं
लगता है वक़्त बस ठहर जाये यहीं।
हम आपके आने के हैं मुन्तज़िर
कहीं खो न दें तुम्हें दोबारा
रास्ते पर नज़र टिकाये हुए हैं आज फिर।

I DID IT!!!!

2006-04-21T13:56:00.000-04:00

Yes!! he was so happy! I wish I could contain this happiness .. I wish that he'd be like this forever.. I want him n his heart to keep smiling forever...
I don't know where to start.. everything wants to pour out..
I didn't know it meant so much for him.. But I should hav guessed.... Shru n Amie were so happy... wishing teasing congratulating laughing smiling praying hoping...
Oh i think it was one of the happiest days of my life.. First, got his lovely e-mail after a long time.. (i had stopped counting the days now... had got used to no-mails...) he wanted to say something n hear something.. well even i m excited abt his speaking up.. want to hear everything that he has to say n hasn't said for the past 2 years... it's been a long wait for him.. i wasn't ready to listen (bad bad bad) n he waited as patient as ever...n then i met shru n amie n I couldn't hav asked for more for yesterday except for a chat with him... Would hav been just perfect... But anyways, it is ok..
n how can I forget, I missed the treat...

meri treat??
mujhe bhi treat chahiye :(
mujhe bhi treat chahiye :(

but i hope it won't be long now...don't know how long is long actually... i just hope that everything works well .... it is a long wait before we come to know abt that ...Praying to God sincerely...

Thanks for the song that u sang... I know I can't sing but what I can do is write it down here for u:
"Tu meri zindagi hai
Tu meri har khushi hai
Tu hi pyaar tu hi chahat,
Tu hi ashiqui hai...

Pehli mohabbat ka ehsaas hai tu,
Bujhke jo bujh naa paayi, woh pyaas hai tu
Tu hi meri pehli khwaahish, tu hi aakhri hai
Tu meri zindagi hai,
Tu meri har khushi hai....."

Thanks for everything!!!

My best wishes, prayers n hopes are always with u.. n will be there for u forever...
As for me, I'll try to stand beside u as long as I can.. I wish I stand there forever...

May God give u all you want in life.. Every happiness, every success, everything that u've ever wished for or wanted...May u never hav to see the face of sadness...Bless you.. Missing you desperately ..... Take care LOVE

क्युँ ??

2006-04-19T00:22:00.000-04:00

क्युँ ऐसी किस्मत बन गयी है,

अपनी पर्छाई से भी डर लगता है,

सोचती हूँ जब अकेले में,

अपने हालात से डर लगता है।

ऐसे खालीपन के साथ ही शायद,

अब गुज़र बसर करना पड़े,

रास्ते के पत्थरों को शायद,

नज़र-अंदाज़ करके आगे बढना पड़े।

न चाहते थे जो वो आज हो रहा है,

मंज़िल की ओर जो रास्ता जाता है,

वो धुऐ में धुंधला सा नज़र आता है,

क्युँ हालात पर कभी-कभी तरस आता है?

किस्मत वाले हैं जो प्यार कर पाए हैं,

किस्मत वाले हैं जो प्यार पा सके हैं,

यही सोच कर उम्र काटनी पड़ सकती है,

सच के कड़वे घूँट पीने से कतराते हैं।

P.S. : If you are using Mozilla Firefox, there might be some discrepancies with the display of the font.

Easy to lose faith?

2006-04-17T14:05:00.000-04:00

Why is it so easy to lose faith in God? Why do we not see that God holds us when we fall down?
Why don't we believe that he is there..
Talking abt this friend of mine, who's utterly pained these days for thinking he is a failure. He says he's lost, he's drowned. I tried to make him understand, but to no avail. guessing a person forgets the brighter n better sides of things when he sees the gloomy side of it...

But why? Well yes, certain things aren't the way we want them to be. But still, there are other things in life worth caring for. Well, probably it is hard to look for a direction when things aren't right...
why can't he see the opportunities that are still there??

We always move on, but we find it hard to admit that. We hav to...

Well pain is not the question, it is its bearing. It is painful I know, but feeling pained doesn't help to make us feel better.

I don't know why God doesn't make us see Him, even when He is there...

It is so hard to accept the hard facts of life - that somethings are simply meant to be, and somethings are not the way we want them to be. We lose what we want at times. Why?

If He gave us these pains, he also gives us strength to overcome it. But why, at times that strength isn't enough for some of us? It hurts to see our friends n family in pain. Praying to God to help all those who don't want to fight and go ahead, coz they've failed...

What color should you be wearing???

2006-04-12T01:21:00.000-04:00

What colour should you be wearing?

You should be wearing the colour....Blue!!! Blue is a colour which calms and soothes the soul. Blue, makes people feel comfortable, and content. You are a very relaxing person to be around, so blue is the ideal colour for you!
Take this quiz!